21/9, Monday.

Dear Bloggie,

Done lumbar puncture just now. My back is feeling uncomfortable and pain after my anesthesia is gone. And currently I am writing my bloggie with my right hand like this:

So definitely I won't be writing long.

I will basically just summarize how I feel today. 

Let the past stay in the past, because you can't change anything about it anymore, even if it's just yesterday or even if it's just the second that passed by. 

Always learn to forgive and forget. Forgive yourself, learn from the mistakes and don't ever look back. Your past doesn't define you anymore. 

Forgive others, even they had hurt you a lot. 

Let it go, because every hurtful feelings and memories you've been holding on for so long doesn't give you any benefits for it, except for a burden, a super heavy burden, which slowly leads you become hopeless and slowly develop into depression. 

 

ONLY REMEMBER THE HAPPY THINGS THAT PEOPLE HAD DONE TO YOU, OTHER THAN THAT, FORGET IT.

Appreciate those happy moments and memories that you've once had with them, even when you're not contacting with them anymore or even when they had hurt you a lot before. 

You can't deny you're once happy with them, you can't deny you feel happiness when you're with them, at least for once. 

Treasure those memories and moments, keep them and feel blessed, because you've once experienced happiness even it did not last for a lifetime.

"For a moment like this, some people waited a lifetime for a moment like this."

You are not perfect, everybody in this world is not perfect, NOBODY IS PERFECT. You don't have to be perfect, it's okay to be not okay sometimes. You don't need to fake a smile and pretend that you're happy to people when deep inside you are extremely not. It's fine for you to be sad and angry when you need to, because you're not a robot, our moods and emotions are essentials to our daily life. 

Be your true self when you are with other people, DON'T EVER TRY TO PLEASE THE SOCIETY, BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 

Be your true self so that you can gain true friends who understand you that will stay in your life instead of fake friends who will take you for granted and leave you when you have no more benefits for them.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. 

Everybody judge. Even if I didn't tell it out straight to your face, secretly I still do. 

If people accept the way you are, cool, I am happy for you.

If they're unhappy with the way you act as you are, just let them be, you don't need them in your life anyway. 

As I said just now, you don't need to please the society, THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE TO PLEASE IT WILL BE YOURSELF. 

Last but not least, everyone has their own flaws. Everyone is perfectly imperfect in their own ways. Don't ever let your flaws destroy you but let it strengthen you. 

That's all for today, goodnight dearies. 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

20/9, Sunday.

Dear Bloggie,

I am back to blog again! But due to my arms and hands pain and sore for don't know what reason, I won't be writing long. 

A lot had happened in my life, good and bad. Currently I am hospitalized at HKL again, and it's already been more than a week! I don't know how long I have to stay some more though.

The purpose I am back on my blogging track is because I wanna be positive and I wanna keep reminding myself, I am stronger than what I am. 

Today is the day, I've cried out all the sadness in me. Start from tomorrow, I have promised myself, I need to be more positive towards life and I will be much more stronger than who I am today! 

If I've lost something good, God will surely replace it by giving me something even better. God has it's own planning and I am willing to accept it. God knows best. I believe in Him. 

I need to love myself more before I could love somebody else. If I don't love myself and accept myself for who I am, nobody else will ever love me or even accept me for who I am. 

As time goes by I've been starting to lose my positive fighting-to-be-healthy spirit, because I am starting to get very panic, why after so long time I still haven't gotten much improvement and it even got worst. At first my both legs, now even my hands are affected with pain and tiredness. 

I am starting to get even depressed after midyear, I am starting to even worry about my condition and I am starting to think lots of negative stuffs. I am starting to cry a lot than before. I am starting to lose my hope. I am starting to lose my faith. As I planned to recover before midyear but it didn't work out as what I planned. So I am all covered with stress, pressure and negative thoughts. 

What happened these few days are definitely a good wake up call for me. It's calling me to be stronger and start to focus back on myself. The wake up call is definitely worth it, because once again I realized how important for me to be positive towards life. Positive thinking brought me a lot of good stuffs happening in my life while the negative thinking slowly destroying every thing I had. 

So start from today I will be blogging every night before I had my painkiller or my depression pills that will cause me to be sleepy. 

My bloggie is my dear diary. 

The past is in the past, tomorrow in a brand new start! Gambateh! 

Feeling drowsy now, goodnight dearies. 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️ 

27/2, I'm a princess wannabe!

Dear Bloggie,

"Now remember, 
No nagging, bragging, sweating, fretting, slipping, tripping, 
Slurping, burping, twittering or frittering allowed.
Stay Present, stay pleasant, stay proud.

To be a princess
Is to know which spoon to use
To be a princess
Is to own a thousand pairs of shoes
To maintain a regal gait
Leave the parsley on your plate
And be charming but detached
And yet amused
To be a princess
Is to never be confused

Do a plié and never fall
Don't ever stray from protocol
All through the day
There's just one way
You must behave
Do keep a grip and never crack
Stiff upper lip and arch the back
Bend from above
And always wear your gloves
And wave

Shoulders back and
Tummy in and
Pinky out and
Lift the chin and
Slowly turn the head from side to side

I see now

Breathing gently
Stepping lightly
Smile brightly
Nod politely
Never show a thing you feel inside
Glide! 

To be a princess
Is to always look your best
To be a princess
Is to never get to rest
Sit for a portrait, never squirm
Sleep on a mattress extra firm
Speak and be clever
Never at a loss for words
Curtsy to every count and lord
Learn how to play the harpsichord
Sing lullabies and always harmonize in thirds

Do a plié and don't
(Ever ever ever fall)
Never show dismay
(And be there when people call)
Be prepared whatever royal life will bring
Do keep a grip and don't
(Ever ever ever crack)
Take a dainty sip
(Never ever turn your back)
There's a time and place and way for everything

To be a princess
Is to never make your bed
To be a princess
Is to always use your head"

This is the lyrics from one of the soundtracks from Barbie as The Princess and The Pauper titled "To Be A Princess". 

And yes, since young, I am a princess wannabe. I wanted to be a princess so badly even for now, I still want to be a princess. But, obviously I am just a pauper, duh. 

I love all those Barbie princess movies such as The Princess and The Pauper and 12 Dancing Princesses. Or those Disney movies such as The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and Cinderella. Oh those dreams come true fantasies..... Happily ever after....... 

I am so obsessed with those fancy gowns and especially the princess' TIARA. OMG.. T___T When I was young, I will take my mother's long dresses to wear as my gown and use something to pretend as a tiara (because I don't have one). Then I will be walking around the house, imagine myself like a princess in those fairytales. Everytime when my parents brought me to the malls or pasar malam, I always saw those princess looking gowns. I always requested for a fancy gown. My parents didn't reject my request.... But too bad I was too chubby or probably I would say too FAT for those gowns.. T___T Let me cry, cry me a river.

So now, I am already a grown up. STILL, MY YOUNG HEART NEVER DIES. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Maybe this is why I am so obsessed with maxi dresses. BECAUSE IT'S LONG AND MOST PROBABLY LOOKS LIKE A GOWN SO WHICH MEANS IT MAKES ME A PRINCESS. Nice logic I have there, I must keep that going on. 

I bought a lot of maxi dresses online from Taobao. It's much more cheaper than Malaysia, like seriously.   You guys should check that website out, it's heaven I am telling ya! Soon, I will be buying myself a tiara to fulfill my childhood dream of wearing one. T___T But of course a cheap one from Taobao also. I want to buy it just for photo taking purpose. Then, I saw this gorgeous ring those quotes account from Twitter shared. 

Image source: Google images

PANDORA PRINCESS TIARA RING OMG. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS RING. I WANNA OWN THIS RING!! But... I don't know where to find. :/ Few days ago, when I went for window shopping, I went inside Pandora to check out their rings to search for this design but it seems like they don't have it. :/ 

I searched for the same ring on Taobao, but I don't know is it a real Pandora or just an inspired one. :/ I don't wanna pay few hundreds then get an inspired one. T___T ARGHH, ANY IDEAS WHERE TO BUY THIS RING?! TELL ME PLEASE! T___T I hope it's available in Malaysia Pandora outlets. :( it will be much more easier. :/ 

Being a princess is not just about the appearance, the intelligence matters too. Looks are not everything, what most important is still the inner side, the heart. If you have a pretty face but an ugly heart, sorry you are still ugly. #justsayin 

Being a princess ain't easy! A princess must always behave herself, be disciplined. Have to always smile brightly and be polite to people. So many rules to follow, can't show a single bit of indecentness. A princess has to be perfect and flawless in all ways. I wonder how tiring it is. :( so yeah, this is not my thing, because why? I AM PROUD TO BE A LAZY ASS. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

So, I decided to be my boyfie's one and only princess, that's more than enough for me. ❤️ Make sure you treat me like a princess my baka boyfie! :P I promise I will be a good princess for you so help me fulfill my princess dream okay? :P Don't worry, very easy only, you will just have to pamper me, take care of me, respect me, protect me, put up with me, love me, feed me, never leave me. 

Image source: Google Images.

Garfield miaomiao. :P ❤️ loving this line. HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Girls, always keep your head held high or else your tiara drops. ;) Be proud of yourselves dear princesses! 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

23/2, CNY mood and feelings.

Dear Bloggie,

Pity the secondary school students started their school today. Holiday is gone in just a blink of an eye. I know right. So today will be the 5th day of CNY a.k.a the lunar new year. Today I come to summary my CNY mood and feelings. 

So I painted my nails to gain more CNY feels. But actually, it doesn't help much, really.

Just simply bought a colour that I don't have from Elianto. For your information I am like a collector of Elianto's nail colour because the price is cheap and affordable, but I am not quite sure about it now. I was shocked when I know their latest price. From RM 5.5 or RM 5.9 or RM 6 (I forgot already) to the price of RM 9.9 per bottle of nail colour. I was like OMG. Still, I bought it for CNY sake. The result of the nail colour is nice, not disappointing. Painted my nails super last minute on the CNY eve. 

Then, it's the first day of CNY! I woke up early in the morning, I think 9 or 10 am to get prepared for the day! 

White colour maxi dress as my simple #ootd. My terrible hair was garnished by a beautiful flower crown. Early in the morning, open Facebook and Instagram, lots of lenglui and lengzai posting their #ootd and also don't forget about the hashtag #choryat. 

How I celebrated CNY this year:

The first day, my friend, Janice came to my house to pay me a visit. I was really happy because it's been a very long time since the last time I saw her. She stayed for an hour only because I have to go to my auntie's house for a visit. So after she left, we went to my auntie's house where other relatives of mine who already reached there earlier were just chilling at there. It was so awkward for me to face the relatives because I am the only one who's on the wheelchair. I feel uneasy I feel uncomfortable seeing so many people around me, I am scared. But since it is the CNY, I force myself to smile when needed. Let me embrace my awkward smile. I never talked to any of my cousins there and no one approached me either to talk. But still, I did took some group pictures with my cousins gathered around my wheelchair. I was forced to. I bet some of them were being forced as well. So after we left my auntie's house, we went to a shopping mall and just simply walked around and then went home. 

The second day, Janice came to my house for a visit again before she goes back to KL. This time both of us chatted for more than 2 hours time. We exchanged each other's life stories. I really enjoyed her accompany as I don't have a friend to visit me after I have this sickness. Don't know when will be the next time I see her again? 

The third day, nothing much really. My dad bought me crabs and my mother cooked the crabs so I ate crabs. Yum yum. 

The fourth day, nothing much really.

The conclusion: My CNY this year is no difference with any other day else. 

To be honest, this is the first no CNY feeling punya CNY for me. I am still laying on my bed most of the times, staying inside my room, facing the same four walls. None of my cousins find me to talk and just like any other days I am alone in my room for the whole day, except for the first day and second day. I am still living my lifeless days and just doing nothing to wait the time pass. The CNY mood is getting cool and cooler year by year. No offense it's the truth. 

I still remember how fun CNY was, when I was young. Don't mention about years ago, just talk about last year instead. Indeed last year wasn't my best CNY also because I am having relationship problems and my school problems. But, in the same room I am in right now, last year, my cousin sisters and brothers filled up the queen sized bed space and also the tilam on the floor. I remember I was crying because of my relationship problem and my cousins were there for me, giving me their best caring to me. Then later at midnight, we had a gossip session about each other's life. I still remember how fun it was, talking together and laughed together.

This year everything seems to change. The elder cousin sisters I am close to, have their own colleagues, friends and family to spend time with. They didn't really come over already. For the younger cousin sisters of mine, we weren't that close as before anymore. No one dares to come to me, maybe because of my depression? And how am I supposed to go to them when my condition don't allow me to? So yeah, forever alone for me. I am so lonely as usual. 

Humans are constantly changing, this is an undeniable fact. Sometimes no matter how much you wish that things won't change, sorry to disappoint you, it will. Everyone is changing as we are growing up and exposed to new things everyday. This is really hard for me to accept as well, because I really missed how things used to be instead of now. But what to do, life goes on and we have to move on. Everyone has their own life to cope with. Those joyful moments that we had, will be the memories I keep for my entire life. I will never forget, never. I just hope that our relationship as cousins won't fade until slowly become strangers because you guys are like my far away siblings. I love you all, forget me not. 

Last but not least, the angpaus. :D

ANG AH! HUAT AH! ONG AH!

My aunties know me well. They said purple colour is my registered trademark. HAHAHAHAHA!!

These are all the angpaus I have for now for this year's CNY. Thanks for all the good will my aunties, uncles and friend gave to me. I am truly blessed. 

So, what I only wish for this new year is may all the changes are changed for the good. 

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrate it, have a blast one and spend more time with your family and loved ones. ;) 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

18/2, Anxiety.

Dear Bloggie,

I have the urge to blog but I don't have a topic. Then this topic suddenly came to my mind like that. Let me story about my own experience of anxiety. ;) But before I start this topic, let me summarize what is anxiety disorder, the types and also the symptoms. 

Anxiety is a very normal emotion that every human being will experience it. Anxiety happens when you are feeling anxious, panic, nervous and worrying about something in every day life. But anxiety disorder is a kind of mental illness that can interferes a person for having the ability to live a normal life. For people with anxiety disorder, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming in them. 

There are 4 recognized types of anxiety disorder:

1. Panic disorder.

People with this condition have feelings of terror that strike suddenly and repeatedly with no warning. Other symptoms of a panic attack includes sweating, chest pain, palpitations (unusually strong or irregular heartbeats) and a feeling of choking, which make the person feel like they are having heart attack or going crazy. 

2. Social anxiety disorder. 

Also known as social phobia, involves overwhelming worry or self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule. 

3. Specific phobias. 

A specific phobia is an intense fear of a specific object or situation, such as snakes, height and etc etc.   The level of fear is usually inappropriate to the situation and may cause the person to avoid common, everyday situations. 

4. Generalized anxiety disorder.

This disorder involves excessive unrealistic worry and tension, even if there's little or nothing to provoke the anxiety.

These are the general symptoms of an anxiety disorder:

- feeling of panic, fear and uneasiness. 

- insomnia or having problems of sleeping.

- cold or sweaty hands and/or feet.

- shortness of breath.

- heart palpitations. 

- an inability to be still and calm. 

- dry mouth.

- numbness or tingling in the hands or feet.

- nausea.

- muscle tension.

- dizziness.

And.. The cause of an anxiety disorder is unknown.

For more information about anxiety disorder you can go to this link here: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-anxiety-disorders

Now, let me story about my own experience of anxiety. To be honest, I experienced all types of recognized anxiety disorder that I mentioned above. Just that last year it evolves to a really serious one that I have to seek professional help and starting to take anxiety pills. 

I have lots of it. Government hospital always give the quantity more than I should take. HAHAHAHAHA. 

And now only I know they wrote my name wrongly as Eric. Bravo bravo, let me give you a clap. If I have a penny when people pronounced or called my name wrongly, I am probably a millionaire now.

I don't know whether is my depression which linked to my anxiety or is the other way round? Depression and anxiety they both have connection with each other. When you sad, you will think a lot of nonsense which make you even sad. Or when you worry, you think too much then you feel sad. 

THIS IS SOMETHING YOU COULDN'T CONTROL. It comes suddenly just like that, without any notice, without any warning. It's unpredictable and it will makes you feel like you don't know what to do. It's not like I don't wanna control it, but I really can't. It drives me even more crazier when I force myself to stop thinking so much or worrying so much. Believe me, nobody wants it or even ask for it. 

Until now, I am still having problems sleeping because I keep thinking too much and make myself scared and worried. I keep thinking about all sorts of nonsense that aren't even real or it doesn't even exist. I keep creating problems to myself when there's not even one at the first place. I keep thinking about the future, what lies ahead and what are the challenges I will be facing. A LOT A LOT A LOT OF UNNECESSARY THOUGHTS AND WORRYING. I know there's no point to be worried about the future and those nonsense that I created by my own but still I couldn't help myself. 

There was once I suffered from this condition for MONTHS. I don't dare to go to sleep because everytime when I close my eyes, I saw death. I am extremely scared. I am terrified. I am afraid of death even I feel like I want to die so badly. This is not the worst yet. I keep thinking about how and when will I die. The world is too unpredictable. You don't know when and how you're gonna die. This makes me feel even scared. So, for every second of my life that time, I am thinking, will I die at the next second? Will the roof just suddenly collapse and I will die like that? Will the aeroplane suddenly land on my house and die like that? When I am in a car, I will be thinking like will the car just drive off the highway suddenly and drop from the above to below and die like that? Will other car just come and bang our car and I will die just like that? Etc etc. So all these fears make me feel scared and don't know what to do with my life for those few months. I lived like a soulless body. It was a kind of mental torturing and also emotionally suffering. 

Now, at least I am better. Not like before keep fearing about death. Still, I hope I can get rid of this insomnia of mine because actually at most of the times I am really really sleepy but I just can't sleep! Let those thoughts filled up my mind and leave it restless. Argh. This is one of the reason I am back on my blogging track. I usually blog at midnight because at least I have something to do, to let myself busy, then no need to think so much nonsense before sleep. Expressing all of my feelings out and let myself feel better. I don't wanna keep all those feelings in my heart anymore. That only makes me even suffer. If you don't have a person to share, just write it out in a piece of paper or like me write it out in my own bloggie. If you are too lazy to do so there's a social networking site called Twitter. It's a nice place to express true feelings too.

Actually, I didn't take my depression and anxiety pills every day like how I am supposed to be. For depression pills because I have serious gastric for the past few months, if empty stomach eat the pills will make me suffer more. Then for anxiety pills, my mom don't let me to take even though I REALLY NEEDED IT I don't know why. She will be asking like "Why you need to take the pills? What are you afraid of?" Argh. If nothing is disturbing my mind, I also don't want to take lor... It's not good for the body also lor... :/ and... I didn't go for the appointment for the psychiatrist anymore for now. My father was like, they can't help anything, no use de laa. I am totally speechless and I don't wanna say anything anymore. Sighs. But it's some how true though because they don't really wanna know how I really feel. And they never keep my things private and confidential. -___- aiya.. What can I complaint some more it's free not paid. 

I wanna story more about my anxiety of social phobia but then I realized this blog post is already so long and my fingers don't know why so pain while I am typing. So I will stop at here and maybe I will write another blog post for my social phobia. ;) Stay tuned for more of me! 

To people who are having mental illness, no matter what type of mental illness you are having, remember you are not alone and all of us who are having this problem knows exactly how you feel, we understand. Don't ever give up on yourself and just keep holding on, eventually pain ends. Please do seek for professional help if you can't handle by your own anymore. Please don't ever feel that you are strange, weird or abnormal than others, we are only human, this is also just a sickness anyway like other physical sickness. ;) It takes time so just take your own sweet time and one day you will get out of this! Love yourself, help yourself. We can do it! 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

15/2, Frustrated.

Dear Bloggie,

I bet you saw that title of mine, frustrated. Yes, indeed I am super frustrated and let me tell you why.

I've been thinking so hard for topics to blog about. Yes, I have a few topics to talk about. Few days ago, I actually wrote a super long blog post titled "Me in relationships", I burned the midnight oil for this blog post, but I am not really satisfied with what I wrote. So I saved it as a draft instead of publishing it. The very next day I want to start it over again but I don't know how. ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! Why write a blog post also so hard ah? T___T Will I write about that topic again? Yes, I will, so stay tuned. ;) 

Second, my sickness, again. Everyday, I've been thinking and planning and wondering and imagining about the things that I wanna do after I recover. I've done a lot of online shopping, bought a lot of new clothes, but all I can just see, cannot wear, because of my situation now doesn't allow me to. (I've wasted a lot of money in online shopping though, the amount near RM 1k OMG! Because I was too bored, nothing to do, this is how I kill my time to make myself happy a bit. :/ ) *shopaholic alert* I am so happy whenever my things from online shopping arrived at my doorstep. I am even happier when the clothes and things are in a very good condition and some more so pretty! ❤️.❤️ But.... I can't even try it on. Me with my clothes, so near yet so far. T___T ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! x2 I want to dress up pretty pretty laa!!! T____T 

I've watched a lot of recipes tutorials on Youtube. I already made a list of what I wanna try to cook. When my parents took me out to the shopping malls for a walk, I always go to the kitchen appliances section of the department store to see which oven I want to choose to be my future companion. But all these have to wait until I am fully recovered. I've waited for this moment to happen for so long where both of my parents agreed to buy me an oven that I asked for so long. T____T I am really really so into pastry, I am really really interested in baking. But without an oven, I can't do anything. :/ WHY MY BOTH PARENTS AGREED TO MY REQUEST WHEN I AM SICK LIKE NOW?! ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! x3 I want to eat cake everyday as my afternoon tea laa!!! T____T 

I actually set a target for myself that I wanna achieve so much so much so so much, which is I WANT TO RECOVER BEFORE MARCH. But now, I have to disappoint myself to say that this is a mission impossible unless there's a miracle. Because, currently I am not having any proper consulting from the specialist, no proper medication, no proper treatment except for now I am going for acupuncture which I sincerely hope it can helps me in my recovery. My father is too busy with his work at KL and I am currently staying at Seremban, which makes everything even harder. He only gets to come here at Seremban during weekends then have to rush back to KL early in the morning on Monday. He said to me after he finished his work, he will bring me to seek treatment at another hospital. But I don't know when only he will finish his work, probably after Chinese New Year I guess. So I have to wait. I am also waiting for an empty bed of ward neuro 5B at Hospital Kuala Lumpur since last year October. OII I AM TIRED OF WAITING. T____T if all keep on melenguhkan masa when laa only I can recover?! ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! x4 I need professional help, I really need. T____T I really want to walk by my own as soon as possible laa!!! T____T 

On my previous blog posts, I wrote about motivational and positive things for myself to see. I want to try my best to be as positive as I could to fight against depression. I've tried my very best to count my blessings, to be grateful, to be thankful for what I have and appreciate all of it. Sometimes I still let my emotions to overpower my mind. I lost control of it. My mood swings are still troubling me and it makes me feel insecure, sad and depressed. But I know the main reason of it, you want to know why? BECAUSE OF ALL THESE FRUSTRATED FEELINGS OF MINE! No matter how well I've planned for it, I can only imagine how it will turn out to be. I CAN'T DO ANY OF IT IF I AM NOT RECOVERED!!! ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! x5 I want to be emotionally stable laaa!!! T___T 

Everyday I have the same routine: eat, internet and sleep. I will just keep on repeat and repeat and repeat this same old routine that I have until the day I am fully recovered but I don't know when. Seriously I really have nothing better to do, I can't sit up by my own, whole day laying on my bed, facing the same old four walls, no online games to play, nothing to do, just Facebook, Twitter, Youtube and Instagram, keep seeing the same newsfeed over and over again, keep refreshing the page every minute. CAN YOU IMAGINE A LIFE LIKE THIS? I AM IN THIS SITUATION FOR MONTHS NOW! I AM ALREADY SO FED UP WITH IT! I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THESE. I am so bored of the lifestyle I am having right now. Waiting for time to pass is just so slow when you are doing nothing interesting. OMG!!!! T____T ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! x6 I want to do something interesting laa!!! T___T 

And yup, yesterday was the Valentine's day. When I check my Facebook and Instagram, especially Instagram, OMG WHY YOU COUPLES SO SHOW OFF!! T____T Upload pictures of the presents laa, flowers laa, the dinner laa and mostly SELFIES WITH THE LOVE. T____T Of course it's okayy for you couples to show your love on this special day laa..... But....... I am just SO JEALOUS!!!!!!!! T____T ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! x6 I WANT TO SHOW OFF ALSO LAAA!!! T_____T I want to see my boyfie, hug my boyfie, take selfies with my boyfie, sweet sweet with my boyfie. T____T I want to receive chocolates or flowers or teddy bear or love letter or ALL (muahahahahahahaha x) someone please take the hint *wink wink*) in reality from my love.... T____T I never received a valentine's day present before. T____T Mostly of my previous years I just bought a lot of chocolates and celebrate it alone, eat all the chocolates by myself. T_____T okayy laa, not all by myself, I am a very good girl who knows how to share and I am not a selfish person, so I will share the chocolates with my mother also, don't praise me, I will be shy. HAHAHAHAHA. Okayy laa, let me be positive a bit laa, for this year I have a boyfie and he did wish me a happy valentine's day, at least I have that going for me, which is nice. But deep down inside my heart, I will say this: "Stupid distance laa! Why he so far away from me, I want to see him right infront of me RIGHT NOW! ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! x7" 

So.. It's another long blog post from me again, did you guys manage to read this until the end? For those who succeed to read it until here, let me give you a clap and thank you for your effort I sincerely appreciated it. And for those who didn't, let me help you express it out here: ARGHH THIS IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :P 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

4/2, To Do List 2015!

Dear Bloggie,

Hello there! I've been thinking about what should I write for these few days but I couldn't come up with an idea. So this idea popped out suddenly out of nowhere and yeah I am writing it down now, don't ever let it go. :P This is almost the same like those new year resolutions, but more realistic version because I'm gonna achieve and do this within this year. Bukan saja berangan-angan, tahu? Don't play play! :P So let's start my list! 

1. To be fully recovered physically and mentally.

This is the most important thing in my to do list this year, not just to do, is a MUST DO. If I can't get this to be crossed out from my to do list, then others I no need to do already because most tasks from my to do list, I have to be in a healthy condition to achieve it. So yeah, I will have faith in myself, believe that I have the chance to recover, never give up on myself and keep trying! Have to get proper treatment and exercise my muscles back! I CAN DO IT! 

2. Get my hair done.

Yup, my hair is now in an extremely terrible and horrible state. I went to those express hair cut for RM15 and that's the service I get. From long hair to short hair. Tell you what, IT'S NOT EVEN. If you comb my hair, you can obviously see some parts are short and some parts are long. Before I kept my fringe long, then I request to cut my fringe short and make it even. I don't know how the hair dresser cut my fringe like seriously, it's so strange looking and yup IT'S NOT EVEN! I know one does not even, but what is this man? T____T My hair looks so ugly now (I know not just my hair, I am the main reason that makes me ugly outside). So once I recover, I will straight away to go and have my hair done nicely at the saloon. 

3. Whiten my teeth.

To be honest, I never really concerned about my teeth until recently I realized that is really something that matters a lot. And yeah, I never been to the dentist before except for the dentist in primary school and secondary school (the most lousy one). It's really important to have good looking teeth when you are smiling or laughing. That improves self condifence and also outer beauty of an individual. It also reflects your hygiene care. Okayy, I have a confession. I only brush my teeth once a day. T___T Because when I'm young, I am a lazy ass.... Until now, I am still a lazy ass. I didn't make it as a habit to brush my teeth at least twice a day. So yeah, my teeth starts to turn yellowish which I myself don't really like it that way. Must save my teeth before it's too late and turns into cavity. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!

So I will really take care of my teeth, because I care about myself and love myself. Yeah.

4. Clean up my closet.

Recently I online shopping a lot, I bought a lot of new clothings and it will be more in the future. My closet is going to burst soon (haven't include my new bought clothes inside yet). It's really so full and packed inside my closet and it contains no more space for another clothing anymore. So I have to clean up my closet and get rid of those old clothing that's not suitable for me anymore and then donate or give it to other people or even better sell it. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. 

5. Clean up my study room.

My study room a.k.a the store room. HAHAHAHAHA. Basically yeah, it's a store room more than a study room. All the vacuum cleaner, daily goods are stored there. But at the same time, my study desk, my second hubby (pc) and my study books are inside there as well. HAHAHAHAHA. I seriously don't know how to clean up that room to make it organized properly. My mom is planning to turn that room into my ROOM because my current room she feels that it's not suitable for me to sleep in (because of the dusts and the polluted air from outside flowing in the room). I was like, how is it even possible. Then where all those things in the so called study room gonna go?! Our house is just a small apartment. I wish I have a basement to just throw all the things there. HAHAHAHAHA. *typical lazy ass*

6. Clean up my book shelves. 

Okayy, another clean up. I have so many stuffs that I have to clean up. I might as well just clean up the entire house right? :P HAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, I have two book shelves, one small one big, especially the big one got super many junks that I just simply put or throw things inside. 5 years ago, I cleaned up my book shelves and organized it properly and now.. It turns out to be disorganized again. HAHAHAHAHA. Couldn't help myself to maintain because you know.. I am a lazy ass. HAHAHAHAHA. So must reorganize everything again and again donate or give out the books that I don't want to read anymore to other people. So I will have more space for new books, yeah! 

7. Buy new skincare products.

To tell you the truth guys, I don't really take care of my skin. I am such a lazy ass, that sometimes I just wash my face with plain water. T____T I should be ashamed of myself. As a girl how can I be like that. T____T This is why I don't have a flawless, smooth and silky skin. I envy the girls or the people who has a flawless skin. My face has pimples, blackheads and oilbags. Argh. I want to get rid of all that!!!!!! I want a flawless skin as well. :( So I myself have to put effort and don't be lazy of my skincare routine. Firstly I must get myself some skincare products that really suitable for my skin. Second, must wash my face super often, at least two times a day. Then my hardwork will pay off. :D 

8. Buy new makeup products.

I am eighteen now! And it's time for some casual light makeups! I am not a makeup person but yeah I have to start learning to put some simple make up to doll up myself a little bit. Don't worry, I won't be as terror as those Taiwanese the makeup face and the real person is two complete different person. They are so pro in makeup they can actually become a makeup artist. They put so much effort to make themselves pretty. Not like me, THE LAZY ASS. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I actually have my makeups but... I think it's about time for them to expire. HAHAHAHA! What a waste. I never really used half of it. :( 

9. Learn how to cook and bake.

Finally my mother is not that over protective as before! If you read my blog posts before, you will know. I enjoyed cooking a lot, I love to cook. But my mother don't allow me to step in the kitchen because she scares that I will turn the whole kitchen to be a complete mess or even worse burn down the kitchen or I will hurt myself during cooking. But then, I prove my mother wrong! :D I cooked several times and it turns out no chaos no hurting. :D So yeah, I've been watching a lot of recipes and tutorials on Youtube, I wanna try it out ASAP. I am more interested in western and japanese cuisine. But I must also learn some local cuisine as well. Most importantly what I am most interested in is BAKING! Finally my dad wants to buy me an oven to bake things. I AM SO TOUCHED. T___T I love sweet stuffs, so yeah, I would like to bake for myself so that I can have cake as my afternoon tea everyday. :P I'm super looking forward into this! 

10. Drive by my own. 

I obtained my driving license last year. :D But I am still noob at driving because I didn't get much chance to drive after I am in the condition like this. Actually to say properly I am not so noob at driving, I am noob at parking. HAHAHAHAHAHA. A disaster for me. T____T and to tell you what, I never drive by myself without accompanied by people. Since the first day I started to drive during the driving lesson until now I obtained my license my parents will always be there when I drive. I have to learn to drive myself, just by myself. Or else how am I supposed to go college in the future? Ain't nobody got time to fetch me! But most importantly, I must learn to park the car properly first. I don't want to be the typically lady driver! 

11. Retake my SPM.

I've wasted a year of my life, now I am like a student who studied peralihan. :( But don't worry, I will make  everything  worthwhile. :) Maybe it's God's wish for me to become a doctor, if I taken my SPM last year, my results will be a total mess. So God gave me another chance to study properly this year and get good results so that I won't let myself disappointed. I can't be a lazy ass anymore. HAHAHAHAHA. I have to study really hard for me to catch up with my studies. From fail to B. It's a really challenging task but I am willing to give in my all. Must always remember, many people needs help and I have to help them! Must get good results to have the chance to study medicine! I can do this! If during UPSR can get 7As without studying, PMR can also get 4As without studying properly so for this time if I put effort in it, I can surely score good results. For the people I haven't met yet, for the people who are in need, I CAN DO IT!! (I am not showing off but that's the truth. I guess I am just lucky and I am very grateful about it. PMR no straight As is my biggest regret. I should have studied properly instead of playing online games 24/7 that time.) 

12. Create a new Youtube account and put song covers on it.

I actually did have a Youtube account. But because it contains some past memories there, I think it's best for me to start over again. You guys know I love to sing so much. I did put on some covers on Youtube but most of it I put it on Soundcloud. I never recorded a song properly. It will sure become something perfectly imperfect or just short covers (you know, lazy ass.......). So now, I've bought a new recording mic and I have no reason to not sing properly anymore. Then, this time, I will also use a cam to record myself. Actually I am shy to show my face in vids, I am just, shy. HAHAHAHAHA. I only have a compact camera but anything will do, right? (ARGHH I WANT A DSLR!! T____T) 

13. Give my bloggie a brand new look.

Yeaa, I think my bloggie stays in this way for almost 3 years. (LAZY ASS FTW!!) HAHAHAHAHA. And my bloggie is telling me to give her some new look in this new year. So, yeah, gotta get my photoshop and photoscape ready. Have to squeeze my brain juice out for IDEAS. I am not a creative person, it's  actually a hard task for me. But, I will still try my best to design the template for my beloved bloggie.

 

14. Meet my baka.

To those who are wondering who's my baka that I mentioned for a few posts, he is my current boyfie. ❤️  Heehee. I want to meet him so badly. D: Thank God we live not that far away from each other (for now far laa, when I am back to Kepong then not far away), so it's not that difficult for us to meet each other. I become really happy after I met him just that he don't know about it. Yesterday he asked me, am I happy together with him? Now let me answer this properly here. Yes, I feel so happy after you came into my life. You don't know how much you've changed my life. I was so moody and depressed everyday before now, living my life miserably before you came. Yeaa, although now I can still get moody and down sometimes but it's not as terrible as before. You bring laughter and happiness into my life. You give me hope, motivation, strength and support to carry on. Most importantly, you accept me as who I am now. :') and yet you are still proud to have me by your side. :') I'm really thankful and grateful. I am blessed. It's really hard to find someone who accepts us as who we are. Thank you for your patience and the way you handle me when I am moody. That really mean a lot to me. :')  I like the way that you never promise me things that you are unsure about and always be honest with me about things. I am really happy that I am fated to meet you, to know you and to fall in love with you. I love you, baka, I don't wanna lose you. I really hope that both of us can last long and hopefully you are my last boyfie, my first hubby and my last hubby. I appreciate everything that I have now and I will cherish it everyday! ^___^ I am looking forward into our first date! :P Let's see how awkward we will be, okayy? :P HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

So yeah, these are the to do things in my to do list. :P It may sounds easy, but.... You know for a lazy ass like me. It's quite an effort. HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

CONCLUSION: QUIT BEING A LAZY ASS. 

And yes, if I've done any of it, I will write a blog post about it to cross it out from my to do list. This is my promise to myself and I WILL DO ALL 14 THINGS THAT I'VE MENTIONED ON ABOVE AND WRITE 14 BLOG POSTS ABOUT IT! Just wait for it to be happened. :* Stay tuned. 

"Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be."

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

27/1, Officially eighteen.

Dear Bloggie,

First of all, I know I'm not even blogging on 27/1, but I just wanna let the whole world know that's my exact birthday date. :P Muahahahahaha! Sorry for the late blog post though, too obsessed with my new bought Malay novel, I spent at least 3 hours to read at midnight ever since I bought it. I am a slow reader because that's not in my native language (or even if it's so I am still a slow reader now because I am not so into reading like I did last time). This will be the thickest novel I ever read, 673 pages in total and I am just halfway through. The story is really interesting and it makes me wanna continue reading it to know more! So dramatic, I like it. :P 

"Oii, are you here to tell us about your birthday or your malay novel?" Okay okayy, I am sorry for my nonsense and I shall proceed to story about my main topic today. 

        

That's my delighted birthday cake for this year! Chocolate cheese mousse from Baker's cottage. The taste of the mousse and the cream are not bad but the cake is a bit too dry. 

I am officially eighteen now. Time passes really fast in just a blink of an eye. Looking back to my fourteen years old's blog posts, that time I'm just looking forward to my sweet sixteen. And bam! Look what we have here, I am eighteen now! I'm officially legal in age! (If you know what I mean) X) 

My parents decided to do a simple celebration for me on 25/1 which was 2 days ago before my birthday and it was a Sunday so my near relatives will have the time to come over to have a simple dinner and the cake. 

At first I thought my parents will just buy me a cake and then we just share it with my relatives next doors (left and right). But, I never thought they decided to throw a simple party to invite my near relatives in Seremban. For your information I am currently temporary staying at Seremban, not KL. I am so terrified because I'm inside my room all alone without contacting with many people for a very long time, suddenly I need to get out of my room to confront more than 10 people of my relatives, face to face. It's just totally out of my comfort zone. (Super long story about this. To be short, it's because of my emotional instability that I am having now.) But they came to wish for my birthday, how can I be disrespectful or misbehave of manners in front of them? I sincerely appreciated that, I really did. Just that I am too socially awkward, nervous and mind blank. So what I did was just forcing myself to smile and laugh when the elders talked to me, I wanna hide my insecurities. But don't get me wrong I didn't fake myself to be happy, indeed I am happy that night. I'm thankful. 

Incoming pictures of me sitting on the wheelchair! I never published any pictures of me on the wheelchair to any social websites. But as I've said before, I'm gonna accept who I am now, right? :)  

                                  

                                  

                                  

                                  

                                  

                                  

 

This was the first time I kissed my parents though. *blushing*

And yeah, to surprise you guys I am now in short hair! Sorry for my cacat sick face though. I know I'm also ugly even when I'm still healthy. *cries in a corner*

Throw a bag of attention to me please! HAHAHAHAHAHA. #typical9gagger

So that's what happened on the 25th.

On the 27th, I received a lot of birthday wishings at my FB inbox, FB wall, WeChat, Whatsapp and also my form 5 class Whatsapp group. I am really really happy to see all the wishings. Thank you everyone who wished me, I sincerely appreciated that. 

A parcel was sent from KL to Seremban on my birthday! I was really surprised and happy when my friend, Janice told me at FB inbox that she prepared a birthday present for me and asked me whether I received the parcel or not. 

        

It some more stated very urgent on the parcel. Aww... I am touched. :')

       

Tada! It's a very pretty present box with a teddy bear ribbon tied on. Aww... Janice never failed to suprise me every time. So glad to have her as my friend for years. :') 

So now, I will be revealing the gifts that my relatives and friend gave it to me. *nak show off* To be honest, this is the first time I received that many presents for my birthday! 

       

A teddy bear card and a Charles and Keith's sling bag from Janice! PURPLE COLOURED SLING BAG! She knows I am crazily in love with purple colour stuffs. I really love the card (TEDDY BEARS!!!) and the sling bag so much. I really appreciate her effort by sending this present from KL to Seremban for me. Thank you so much for the gifts, Janice. ❤️ Love you! 

                                     

Pandora bracelet from my parents. I really never expected this gift from them. (BECAUSE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE OMG) They bought it for me because once I said I like Pandora's bracelet. The price is really too expensive for a silver material, it's not even platinum or gold! I sincerely appreciate this gift because this is the most expensive accessory I ever had. And most importantly I appreciate this gift it's because the gift is from my parents. Thank you so much, mama and baba. :') ❤️ Love you both.

                                    

A Mickey mouse pendant and also a Minnie magic towel from Hong Kong Disneyland gifted to me by my auntie! Still don't know how the magic towel works because I haven't try it out yet. It's a very special gift from my auntie and I really appreciate that! Thank you so much auntie! Love you! ❤️

                                   

Sticky candy from my cousin sis, Chou Li. The sticky inside is in birthday graphic and words form. It's like a candy specialized for my birthday. I love to eat candy, so this is a very good birthday present for me. Thank you so much cousin sis. I appreciate it. ❤️ Love you!

        

BEARS AND EVEN MORE BEARS! These are the presents from my cousin bro, Khan Leong, cousin sis, Yingying and also my cousin bro, Khan Chien. Three of them are siblings. Really love the presents they gave it to me and I love the bag, it's teddy bear. HAHAHAHA. Rilakkuma plushie, Rilakkuma photo flame and also an eyelashes curler! I appreciate all the presents they gave it to me, love you guys so much! ❤️

                                   

The angpaus from my aunties and uncles. :D Sincerely thanks for giving me the angpaus even though my mother already told my aunties and uncles no need to give me any. I appreciate it so much! Love you all. ❤️

That's all my presents for my birthday this year! If you are still wondering what to give me for my birthday next year, let me give you some clues. I love teddy bears, cute plushies, kawaii stuffs, out of ordinary stuffs and PURPLE COLOUR STUFFS! *super thick skin* Don't take my jokes too seriously (please do take it seriously). Presents are just a bonus for me, most importantly I get to celebrate it with my friends and family together. That's even more precious than anything. Your time to me is a very precious gift itself because time can never be bought. ;) 

Once again, I want to thank my parents for throwing me a mini party to celebrate my birthday together with my relatives. Then, I want to thank my parents, relatives and friend who bought me presents, I sincerely appreciate that. Nextly, I want to thank my friends and family for the birthday wishings on the social networks. I am really really happy to receive all the wishings from you guys. I appreciate that! Special thanks to my baka because he sang for me a birthday song and also Guo Foo for the super sincere long message. I am really so thankful, so grateful and blessed. I wouldn't ask for more. Thank you God for blessing me with so much happiness. 

Now, another life journey of mine has begun. It's a new chapter of my life, the future remains unknown. But, I will cherish everyday and make every second counts. Will continue to count my blessings and put in effort to the things I wanna achieve. Holding on for my dear life and never gonna give up no matter how hard the struggles and challenges I am facing. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Let go of the past and whatever will be, will be. I'm gonna live my own life, leave no regrets and continue to create more memories to keep for the rest of my life. Keep calm and be happy. Positive attitude makes a difference. Hashtag you only live once. 

What eighteen will bring to me? It's a mystery. Stay tuned for more. 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️ 

24/1, Be myself, be yourself.

Dear Bloggie,

I read a status from FB written by my baka yesterday, I personally couldn't agree even more.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." 

So it gave me an idea to blog for today. So let's begin! 

To be honest, I am that person who cares about how people judged me and their comments and opinions towards my actions and behavior. I don't know how to explain why I cared so much but I can only say because I have a lot of social phobias that once happened to me (for sure not something good). I wanted to always stay as good as I can for other people. Treat them as good as I can. Try my best not to annoy people or not to trouble anyone. 

But last year, because of my unstable emotions, extreme mood swings, depressed feelings, I started to be someone that I am not used to be. I have the need and urge to talk to someone about my feelings. So I started to find people by my own which I don't really do before. And I annoy them with my stories and bullshits over and over again because of my anxiety and extreme insecurities. Then I cry oftenly in school and I am not as cheerful as I am before, you can hardly see me put on a smile unless I forced myself to. I have no place to express my extreme negative feelings so I ended up spamming FB statuses. Then I started using vulgar and rude words which I don't use before (even shit and damn is not something I will say) because I can get furious super easily over a super small thing, I am not as patient as before. 

Nope, I never changed. I am still that Erin you know. Just that I had enough of all the pressure that my environment and surrounding gave to me. My patience is over the limit, way over the limit. I'm sick of people taking my kindness for granted, people taking advantage of me and people thought that I have no temper at all because I rarely show it and I always tolerate and compromise, I always keep those feelings to myself and I never shared any of it to anyone. I am actually glad because this downfall lets me see the true colours of many people and it makes me learn to express myself out. 

Source: Twitter (@damnsassyyy) 

I am sorry for sharing things with some unpleasant words there, but this is totally true. You either say how you feel and mess it up or say nothing and let it mess you up instead (a better version :P). I learned this in a hard way. I always say nothing to people whenever I am feeling hurt or sad by their actions or behavior, I keep it to my own and I will just act like nothing happened, laugh like a mad or I will be saying nevermind. Day by day it accumulates and now it became something huge that makes me go crazy. So I myself now is having a hard time to handle the mess I did to myself. 

Because of all these pain, it makes me to express myself to people saying that I am not happy with what you're doing or I don't like the way you treat me. At first when I did so, I feel super guilty and regret of my actions afterwards. It's like after I expressing my true feelings out, the person will stay away from me or maybe dislike me or even hate me. Then, I think about it. If that person sincerely cares about my feelings, he/she won't mind. They will accept and do something about it because I do matter to them. But sadly, I do not matter to many of them. I'm fine with it. At least I know who's the one that really cares about me and sincere to have a friendship with me. The sooner I realize, the lesser the pain I feel. My own feelings matter too, I am important to myself too, I care about you but at the same I must care of my own feelings so it won't get hurt because I AM ONLY HUMAN. I have to love myself you know? I have to fight for myself too, you know? But still, don't worry, I have my patience, I will probably tolerate and compromise with you for a couple of times but then if you still can't be more sensitive to my feelings then yeah, that's when I will tell you my true feelings (in a nice way or not so nice way depends on the situation). 

Ladies and gentlemen, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, 各位先生女士, please keep it in your mind to always BE YOURSELF. Yes, your true self, without faking yourself. Everyone of us in this world is unique because everyone of us have different personality and style of our own and everyone of us are waiting for someone to discover us. We must be our own true selves to avoid as many dramas or as many hurtings as we could. As long as we are doing a good job by being ourselves, we will automatically attract people who's really sincere and truthful to us because they are the people who can accept the person as who we are, the best and the worst in us. 

Be yourself. Do whatever that makes you happy because you deserve that. It's your life, you write your own story. It's impossible to please the society because no matter what you do people's gonna judge you anyway. Make good decisions that you will never regret. But make sure you are willing to face the consequences of your own choice. Hashtag you only live once. 

I will continue to be myself. This is my life, I'm in the control. I will always to be honest of my feelings with people because honesty is the best policy. I hate lies, don't ever try to lie to me because a lie can't hide forever, sooner or later I will find out. I am proud of who I am eventhough for now I am still a depressed person and a temporary handicap. BUT DEPRESSION DOES NOT DEFINE ME. It's up to you whether you wanna like me or hate me, I can't force someone to accept me. So it's either you take it or leave it. ;) 

Why suddenly I am so serious and look kinda fierce huh? :P Let's chill chill, cool cool and relax. I am actually a friendly person just that I might be a little bit shy if you just get to know me but as the time goes by I will be acting like a orang gila (siao people, crazy person) when I am comfortable with you. :P I am a good listener and I am also a patient person. If you need someone to talk with feel free to find me, I will try my best to give you my best accompany but not guaranteed with best advices. >__<

You are precious, I am precious, everybody is precious. ❤️ Baby you're a firework, come on show them what you're worth. ❤️ We are who we are. You shouldn't have to change for anybody. If they don't accept you for who you are, find someone who will. When you've found someone who accepts and appreciates you for who and what you are, never let them go. ❤️

Tata, xoxo. ❤️