23/2, CNY mood and feelings.

Dear Bloggie,

Pity the secondary school students started their school today. Holiday is gone in just a blink of an eye. I know right. So today will be the 5th day of CNY a.k.a the lunar new year. Today I come to summary my CNY mood and feelings. 

So I painted my nails to gain more CNY feels. But actually, it doesn't help much, really.

Just simply bought a colour that I don't have from Elianto. For your information I am like a collector of Elianto's nail colour because the price is cheap and affordable, but I am not quite sure about it now. I was shocked when I know their latest price. From RM 5.5 or RM 5.9 or RM 6 (I forgot already) to the price of RM 9.9 per bottle of nail colour. I was like OMG. Still, I bought it for CNY sake. The result of the nail colour is nice, not disappointing. Painted my nails super last minute on the CNY eve. 

Then, it's the first day of CNY! I woke up early in the morning, I think 9 or 10 am to get prepared for the day! 

White colour maxi dress as my simple #ootd. My terrible hair was garnished by a beautiful flower crown. Early in the morning, open Facebook and Instagram, lots of lenglui and lengzai posting their #ootd and also don't forget about the hashtag #choryat. 

How I celebrated CNY this year:

The first day, my friend, Janice came to my house to pay me a visit. I was really happy because it's been a very long time since the last time I saw her. She stayed for an hour only because I have to go to my auntie's house for a visit. So after she left, we went to my auntie's house where other relatives of mine who already reached there earlier were just chilling at there. It was so awkward for me to face the relatives because I am the only one who's on the wheelchair. I feel uneasy I feel uncomfortable seeing so many people around me, I am scared. But since it is the CNY, I force myself to smile when needed. Let me embrace my awkward smile. I never talked to any of my cousins there and no one approached me either to talk. But still, I did took some group pictures with my cousins gathered around my wheelchair. I was forced to. I bet some of them were being forced as well. So after we left my auntie's house, we went to a shopping mall and just simply walked around and then went home. 

The second day, Janice came to my house for a visit again before she goes back to KL. This time both of us chatted for more than 2 hours time. We exchanged each other's life stories. I really enjoyed her accompany as I don't have a friend to visit me after I have this sickness. Don't know when will be the next time I see her again? 

The third day, nothing much really. My dad bought me crabs and my mother cooked the crabs so I ate crabs. Yum yum. 

The fourth day, nothing much really.

The conclusion: My CNY this year is no difference with any other day else. 

To be honest, this is the first no CNY feeling punya CNY for me. I am still laying on my bed most of the times, staying inside my room, facing the same four walls. None of my cousins find me to talk and just like any other days I am alone in my room for the whole day, except for the first day and second day. I am still living my lifeless days and just doing nothing to wait the time pass. The CNY mood is getting cool and cooler year by year. No offense it's the truth. 

I still remember how fun CNY was, when I was young. Don't mention about years ago, just talk about last year instead. Indeed last year wasn't my best CNY also because I am having relationship problems and my school problems. But, in the same room I am in right now, last year, my cousin sisters and brothers filled up the queen sized bed space and also the tilam on the floor. I remember I was crying because of my relationship problem and my cousins were there for me, giving me their best caring to me. Then later at midnight, we had a gossip session about each other's life. I still remember how fun it was, talking together and laughed together.

This year everything seems to change. The elder cousin sisters I am close to, have their own colleagues, friends and family to spend time with. They didn't really come over already. For the younger cousin sisters of mine, we weren't that close as before anymore. No one dares to come to me, maybe because of my depression? And how am I supposed to go to them when my condition don't allow me to? So yeah, forever alone for me. I am so lonely as usual. 

Humans are constantly changing, this is an undeniable fact. Sometimes no matter how much you wish that things won't change, sorry to disappoint you, it will. Everyone is changing as we are growing up and exposed to new things everyday. This is really hard for me to accept as well, because I really missed how things used to be instead of now. But what to do, life goes on and we have to move on. Everyone has their own life to cope with. Those joyful moments that we had, will be the memories I keep for my entire life. I will never forget, never. I just hope that our relationship as cousins won't fade until slowly become strangers because you guys are like my far away siblings. I love you all, forget me not. 

Last but not least, the angpaus. :D

ANG AH! HUAT AH! ONG AH!

My aunties know me well. They said purple colour is my registered trademark. HAHAHAHAHA!!

These are all the angpaus I have for now for this year's CNY. Thanks for all the good will my aunties, uncles and friend gave to me. I am truly blessed. 

So, what I only wish for this new year is may all the changes are changed for the good. 

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrate it, have a blast one and spend more time with your family and loved ones. ;) 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️