18/2, Anxiety.

Dear Bloggie,

I have the urge to blog but I don't have a topic. Then this topic suddenly came to my mind like that. Let me story about my own experience of anxiety. ;) But before I start this topic, let me summarize what is anxiety disorder, the types and also the symptoms. 

Anxiety is a very normal emotion that every human being will experience it. Anxiety happens when you are feeling anxious, panic, nervous and worrying about something in every day life. But anxiety disorder is a kind of mental illness that can interferes a person for having the ability to live a normal life. For people with anxiety disorder, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming in them. 

There are 4 recognized types of anxiety disorder:

1. Panic disorder.

People with this condition have feelings of terror that strike suddenly and repeatedly with no warning. Other symptoms of a panic attack includes sweating, chest pain, palpitations (unusually strong or irregular heartbeats) and a feeling of choking, which make the person feel like they are having heart attack or going crazy. 

2. Social anxiety disorder. 

Also known as social phobia, involves overwhelming worry or self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule. 

3. Specific phobias. 

A specific phobia is an intense fear of a specific object or situation, such as snakes, height and etc etc.   The level of fear is usually inappropriate to the situation and may cause the person to avoid common, everyday situations. 

4. Generalized anxiety disorder.

This disorder involves excessive unrealistic worry and tension, even if there's little or nothing to provoke the anxiety.

These are the general symptoms of an anxiety disorder:

- feeling of panic, fear and uneasiness. 

- insomnia or having problems of sleeping.

- cold or sweaty hands and/or feet.

- shortness of breath.

- heart palpitations. 

- an inability to be still and calm. 

- dry mouth.

- numbness or tingling in the hands or feet.

- nausea.

- muscle tension.

- dizziness.

And.. The cause of an anxiety disorder is unknown.

For more information about anxiety disorder you can go to this link here: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-anxiety-disorders

Now, let me story about my own experience of anxiety. To be honest, I experienced all types of recognized anxiety disorder that I mentioned above. Just that last year it evolves to a really serious one that I have to seek professional help and starting to take anxiety pills. 

I have lots of it. Government hospital always give the quantity more than I should take. HAHAHAHAHA. 

And now only I know they wrote my name wrongly as Eric. Bravo bravo, let me give you a clap. If I have a penny when people pronounced or called my name wrongly, I am probably a millionaire now.

I don't know whether is my depression which linked to my anxiety or is the other way round? Depression and anxiety they both have connection with each other. When you sad, you will think a lot of nonsense which make you even sad. Or when you worry, you think too much then you feel sad. 

THIS IS SOMETHING YOU COULDN'T CONTROL. It comes suddenly just like that, without any notice, without any warning. It's unpredictable and it will makes you feel like you don't know what to do. It's not like I don't wanna control it, but I really can't. It drives me even more crazier when I force myself to stop thinking so much or worrying so much. Believe me, nobody wants it or even ask for it. 

Until now, I am still having problems sleeping because I keep thinking too much and make myself scared and worried. I keep thinking about all sorts of nonsense that aren't even real or it doesn't even exist. I keep creating problems to myself when there's not even one at the first place. I keep thinking about the future, what lies ahead and what are the challenges I will be facing. A LOT A LOT A LOT OF UNNECESSARY THOUGHTS AND WORRYING. I know there's no point to be worried about the future and those nonsense that I created by my own but still I couldn't help myself. 

There was once I suffered from this condition for MONTHS. I don't dare to go to sleep because everytime when I close my eyes, I saw death. I am extremely scared. I am terrified. I am afraid of death even I feel like I want to die so badly. This is not the worst yet. I keep thinking about how and when will I die. The world is too unpredictable. You don't know when and how you're gonna die. This makes me feel even scared. So, for every second of my life that time, I am thinking, will I die at the next second? Will the roof just suddenly collapse and I will die like that? Will the aeroplane suddenly land on my house and die like that? When I am in a car, I will be thinking like will the car just drive off the highway suddenly and drop from the above to below and die like that? Will other car just come and bang our car and I will die just like that? Etc etc. So all these fears make me feel scared and don't know what to do with my life for those few months. I lived like a soulless body. It was a kind of mental torturing and also emotionally suffering. 

Now, at least I am better. Not like before keep fearing about death. Still, I hope I can get rid of this insomnia of mine because actually at most of the times I am really really sleepy but I just can't sleep! Let those thoughts filled up my mind and leave it restless. Argh. This is one of the reason I am back on my blogging track. I usually blog at midnight because at least I have something to do, to let myself busy, then no need to think so much nonsense before sleep. Expressing all of my feelings out and let myself feel better. I don't wanna keep all those feelings in my heart anymore. That only makes me even suffer. If you don't have a person to share, just write it out in a piece of paper or like me write it out in my own bloggie. If you are too lazy to do so there's a social networking site called Twitter. It's a nice place to express true feelings too.

Actually, I didn't take my depression and anxiety pills every day like how I am supposed to be. For depression pills because I have serious gastric for the past few months, if empty stomach eat the pills will make me suffer more. Then for anxiety pills, my mom don't let me to take even though I REALLY NEEDED IT I don't know why. She will be asking like "Why you need to take the pills? What are you afraid of?" Argh. If nothing is disturbing my mind, I also don't want to take lor... It's not good for the body also lor... :/ and... I didn't go for the appointment for the psychiatrist anymore for now. My father was like, they can't help anything, no use de laa. I am totally speechless and I don't wanna say anything anymore. Sighs. But it's some how true though because they don't really wanna know how I really feel. And they never keep my things private and confidential. -___- aiya.. What can I complaint some more it's free not paid. 

I wanna story more about my anxiety of social phobia but then I realized this blog post is already so long and my fingers don't know why so pain while I am typing. So I will stop at here and maybe I will write another blog post for my social phobia. ;) Stay tuned for more of me! 

To people who are having mental illness, no matter what type of mental illness you are having, remember you are not alone and all of us who are having this problem knows exactly how you feel, we understand. Don't ever give up on yourself and just keep holding on, eventually pain ends. Please do seek for professional help if you can't handle by your own anymore. Please don't ever feel that you are strange, weird or abnormal than others, we are only human, this is also just a sickness anyway like other physical sickness. ;) It takes time so just take your own sweet time and one day you will get out of this! Love yourself, help yourself. We can do it! 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️