I'm so sorry that I neglected you for a super duper long time, dear bloggie. Is not that I don't want to come here and write something, just that I feel my life has nothing interesting to blog about. It's just the same old plain boring life. Whenever I get the ideas of blogging, it will soon fades away. Is either something makes my mood goes away or I'm really not in the mood to do anything.
So today I'm going to summarize my 2014 life in a nutshell. (Don't ever believe my saying of 'summarize' I'm gonna end up summarize nothing but making the blog post longer. I suck at summary.) Too many things happened in 2014, mostly not so good things or bad things. I suffered so much in 2014. Physically and mentally. I decided to write out everything here and give it a fullstop. The past should stays in the past and it shouldn't come to disturb my present and interferes my future. Let the story begins.
Firstly, I am officially single now. The worst breakup for me but I can still handle it. Because this breakup is nothing comparing to the other problems of mine. So what can I describe is, time will show the true side of a person. Love is blind and I've been blindfolded for so long. I am really so disappointed because he can't even tell me the truth of why is he breaking up with me instead he made up nonsense. I am the type of girl who rather got slapped by the truth than be comforted by the lie. Like seriously, be a man. If you wanna breakup just tell me the truth, if there's nothing I can do anymore for this relationship, I will surely let go of you as you wanted and I will wish you all the best. I'm not putting all the blame on him of course, I know my faults too. Just that his actions after the breakup makes me sad and really really disappointed. But then, I think about it. It's worthless and pointless to feel sad for this person and waste my tears on him anymore. I don't know what to write anymore for this topic, I am really really speechless and heartbroken. Hope that he will be more mature in the future. Thank you for everything. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.
Second, I am having health problems. Since last year April I sprained my ankle until now it still hurts and the doctor told me that my ankle is not going to be healed anymore because what's been injured should be healed for a long time ago. I am really sad when I heard this. Just because I fell into a small drain and it became like that. I never thought it will be that serious until it can't be healed anymore. At the moment I fell into the small drain and sprained my ankle, I still thought it's just a small thing like let me rest awhile then I can be walking like normal when the pain goes off but never, never. So for the rest of my life I need to continue to bear with the pain, cannot do any sports, no long distance walking and no heels? I don't know. Although the doctor said it to me like that, but I still hoping that one day the pain will disappear by its own and I can move around with zero pain.
Then, the neuro specialists found out that I'm having a spinal cord atrophy which my spinal cord is smaller and shorter in size comparing than the normal ones. And they say this is the reason that caused weakness in my both legs and not able to walk. The doctors didn't really do or say anything much about it. I am still waiting for Hospital Kuala Lumpur to call me when there's an empty bed. For your information I've been waiting for 4 months and the Hospital never gave us a call. I am really tired of waiting. I searched online for more information about my disease, after I checked multiple websites. This disease has no cure, no medicine and there's nothing you can do with it only physiotherapy to let the muscles not to be weakening fast. Mostly people with this disease will need wheelchair assistance later in life. And this kind of disease is caused by the genes. My parents don't have the same problem as mine. So now I am wondering whether I am their biological child or not. (Hahaha, just kidding.) I feel hopeless and I cried out loud a lot of times because of this.
Third, my most terrified nightmare - depression. I already sensed myself having this sickness during the start of the year 2014. I lost my motivation in doing things, I don't have the mood to do anything, I don't have the appetite to eat, I have terrible mood swings, I am really sensitive and I can get upset for things super easily and rage on. Sometimes I just want to sit at the sofa and do nothing or be at anywhere and do nothing. I just want to do nothing. I think the causing factors of my depression are my family, friendship and also relationship. My depression is worsening day by day. Especially now where I am all alone, laying on bed for 24/7, facing the same four walls of my room and nothing better to do, this condition of mine it's been at least 3 months. All because of my ankle pain and lower limbs weakness and also back pain, all adding up together to form such a wonderful "harmony". My ankle pain obviously makes me pain, my lower limbs weakness obviously makes me no energy to even stand and my back pain obviously makes me cannot sit up for too long so I have to keep laying down. Because of all these sicknesses, I didn't get to go to sit for SPM, the first day also I am in the hospital. I emotionally break down in ward because I was too sad. I feel like I had disappointed my parents, the people who puts hope on me and also myself. Even now at home, I sometimes couldn't help myself but to cry out loud and shouting like a mad. I feel myself useless because I am just a sick people who can't do anything by myself. I need to trouble my parents to take care of me. Look at their age now. They are not young anymore. I should be the one taking care of them but look at me, I am just so useless. My parents said to me, no matter how they will find me the best doctor to cure me. I am like, it's useless and pointless. Spinal cord atrophy ain't going to heal. For what send me to those expensive private hospitals? I really hope I could just disappear in a thin air. I have really bad suicidal thoughts. I really wanted to die so badly so that I don't need to trouble anyone anymore in this world and I myself no need to suffer from all these anymore.
It's been so long since the last time I wrote such a long essay. I think I really should be writing out all these instead of keeping these sad feelings inside my heart. So I've decided to start blogging from today onwards. I want to make my bloggie as my dear diary and also a small world of mine. I think by doing this maybe it could help my depressed soul to feel better and also letting out all of my thoughts and feelings no need to keep so much inside then make myself suffer from it.
So, I've written all out, all the negative things, sad things or whatever. To enjoy the future, I have to endure my present and ensure my past is past. Life goes on, I have to move on and build up "me" again. And yeah, I actually summarized the whole thing because it's still not very detailed so does it still count as a success? If I never summarized this blog post could be a novel. Hahaha.
Starting from tomorrow, so called positive blog posts will keep on making an appearance here in my bloggie. I can't wait. :)
Tata, xoxo. ❤️
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