21/1, Acceptance.

Dear Bloggie,

My mind is having negative thoughts again. It just suddenly comes like that and I couldn't help myself but thinking of it. Then I put myself in a super bad mood, again. Argh, moody also just fine, but I will have extremely bad thoughts like disappear and never be waking up again. I really don't want to have this kind of thoughts again. I am really trying hard and my best to be happy every single day. I know I cannot force myself to be happy in just a second but no matter how many times I've been knocked out, I will keep on trying and not to give up until the day I gain pure happiness, I believe that day will come soon.

So today what disturbs my mind is this, acceptance. Again, I am feeling so sad because of my sickness eventhough sometimes I acted strong in front of people, saying that I will fight to survive, stay positive and etc etc. In fact, I really wanted to be strong, emotionally and mentally strong, but sometimes things just pull me down when I am trying so hard to rise.

I still cannot accept myself as the way I am now. I still cannot accept myself that I need to depend on the wheelchair and troubling other people to help me. Whenever my father brings me to a crowded place, I can immediately feel the pressure of the surroundings. I am on my wheelchair and people keep looking at me strangely and some kind hearted people will feel pity for me. There's also times I am teased by people because I am on my wheelchair. Whenever I am on my wheelchair, I feel myself like "咗住地球转” which means blocking the world spins (direct translate from cantonese). So, I always look down instead and try my best to hold my tears from dropping.

I can't even accept myself as the way I am now, but then I am hoping people of the society to accept me. Why me so funny? I hate myself now, really hate myself so much. Why? Firstly, I hate myself for my own condition now, unhealthy and useless. Nextly, I hate myself for not accepting the way I am now and do not have faith that everything will be alright soon.

I always say to myself, after a hurricane comes a rainbow, a storm won't last forever, never give up and keep fighting. I no bluff ah, really no bluff. I really did try my best to make myself a happier person each day. But there are also some moments that my mood swings pay a sudden visit. Then I myself will break into pieces, depressed feeling comes and wanna die again. I still can't control my extreme mood swings. I may looked happy at this second, but next second the mood changes then I became like the most depressed person in the world. I hate myself for putting myself in a condition like this. Please do also take note that I don't want all these too, I seriously don't want it. I want to be happy, smile and laugh happily like how others did. But I just can't control myself to be depressed like hell. No matter how hard I try to clear all those negative thoughts in my mind, more and more just keep on coming nonstop until I feel headache and my head like wanna burst. I just need to express all out when I am emo then relax myself for a while soon I will feel better and my rational mind will come back. To honestly tell you, this kind of feeling sucks and it can really make you suffer like hell for no good reason.

Every day, I will still keep on fighting and trying hard to keep surviving. I ain't gonna let the devil in me wins this battle. No matter how many times I've been knocked out, I will keep on trying and fighting for round 2. I watched Superwoman's draw my life on Youtube, that really inspired me a lot. It gives me strength to keep holding on. Never give up because the worst is not going to stay forever. Don't ever choose a permanent solution to a temporary matter. Now my rational mind is speaking, so listen. DEATH SOLVES NOTHING. Death will never solve anything, it will just causes more trouble and problems to the people around you who loves you. It will only make their lifes miserable and yours too when you're in hell. So if you wanna die just because you feel yourself is a burden to people, always troubling people all those, please don't. Because you are a burden in their hearts after you die for those reasons, they will always remember you and feel regret and guilty FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFES. Some more need to trouble them to help you in your funeral? And every year need to go so far to your cemetry to visit you? And they need to be sad every year, every month, every day. 

If you wanna die for no good reason, please don't do it. It's just plain selfish and childish behavior. Don't make yourself get punished in hell just because life treats you unfair. You don't deserve to be punished when you are already so depressed. When life give you lemons, make LEMONADE, LEMON PIE, ICED LEMON TEA OR WHATEVER! FIGHT BACK. Don't let the unfairness of life gets you, show life who's the boss. If you don't wanna trouble other people, it's easy, KICK LIFE'S ASS INSTEAD. It's normal, it's fine, it's okayy to be emo whenever the mood swings come, whenever you faced difficulites of life. You can say all those emo words you want, but after saying that, go relax yourself, take a good nap or sleep, wake up and fight back. Cry yourself a river, build a bridge and get over it. Don't ever give up okayy pretty please? You deserve happiness, I deserve happiness, everyone in this world deserve happiness. Soon or later, happiness will come, just hang in there, okayy? :) 

Must really learn to accept myself for who I am, so that I can only do something about it. Or else I will just forever stuck at there, no moving forward. I must believe in myself, have faith that things will be alright soon. Always try my best to be positive and cheerful. LOVE MYSELF, FOR MYSELF. The only person in this whole world can help you is also YOURSELF. Everyone is important to themselves. If you don't value yourself, nobody can feel your value. Make yourself worth it. I believe if I am doing a good job by building up a better me with a better personality for myself, people will accept me like how I accept myself, people will treat me good like how I treat myself good, people will love me like how I love myself. 

"TREAT PEOPLE LIKE HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED."

How funny when my tweets are negative like hell just now and now my blog post is filled with positive energy. Remember, if your negative mind can impact in such a way, so does your positive mind, it's the same. We are humans, you have the power to control your mind, don't let your mind overpowered you.

I understand we can't rush into things. So, let's just do it slowly as long as you're trying even if it's just a little bit. Something is better than nothing. After a while, you will see these small changes you've made everyday can turn into something BIG. Let's jia you and gambateh together! I believe everyone of us can do it! 

I know I can do it, just give me some time and patience okayy? One day I will get through it and I will be super proud of myself. 

All these words are speaking on behalf of Erin's rational mind. When Erin no rational mind, all these are the opposite. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! x) 

Really, if you are feeling down, sad, depressed, remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are plenty of people out there who are also suffering from it. So don't be afraid. We know how you feel. 

I will never say never, I will fight till forever. And I am not a fan of JB.

Tata, xoxo. ❤️