21/1, Acceptance.

Dear Bloggie,

My mind is having negative thoughts again. It just suddenly comes like that and I couldn't help myself but thinking of it. Then I put myself in a super bad mood, again. Argh, moody also just fine, but I will have extremely bad thoughts like disappear and never be waking up again. I really don't want to have this kind of thoughts again. I am really trying hard and my best to be happy every single day. I know I cannot force myself to be happy in just a second but no matter how many times I've been knocked out, I will keep on trying and not to give up until the day I gain pure happiness, I believe that day will come soon.

So today what disturbs my mind is this, acceptance. Again, I am feeling so sad because of my sickness eventhough sometimes I acted strong in front of people, saying that I will fight to survive, stay positive and etc etc. In fact, I really wanted to be strong, emotionally and mentally strong, but sometimes things just pull me down when I am trying so hard to rise.

I still cannot accept myself as the way I am now. I still cannot accept myself that I need to depend on the wheelchair and troubling other people to help me. Whenever my father brings me to a crowded place, I can immediately feel the pressure of the surroundings. I am on my wheelchair and people keep looking at me strangely and some kind hearted people will feel pity for me. There's also times I am teased by people because I am on my wheelchair. Whenever I am on my wheelchair, I feel myself like "咗住地球转” which means blocking the world spins (direct translate from cantonese). So, I always look down instead and try my best to hold my tears from dropping.

I can't even accept myself as the way I am now, but then I am hoping people of the society to accept me. Why me so funny? I hate myself now, really hate myself so much. Why? Firstly, I hate myself for my own condition now, unhealthy and useless. Nextly, I hate myself for not accepting the way I am now and do not have faith that everything will be alright soon.

I always say to myself, after a hurricane comes a rainbow, a storm won't last forever, never give up and keep fighting. I no bluff ah, really no bluff. I really did try my best to make myself a happier person each day. But there are also some moments that my mood swings pay a sudden visit. Then I myself will break into pieces, depressed feeling comes and wanna die again. I still can't control my extreme mood swings. I may looked happy at this second, but next second the mood changes then I became like the most depressed person in the world. I hate myself for putting myself in a condition like this. Please do also take note that I don't want all these too, I seriously don't want it. I want to be happy, smile and laugh happily like how others did. But I just can't control myself to be depressed like hell. No matter how hard I try to clear all those negative thoughts in my mind, more and more just keep on coming nonstop until I feel headache and my head like wanna burst. I just need to express all out when I am emo then relax myself for a while soon I will feel better and my rational mind will come back. To honestly tell you, this kind of feeling sucks and it can really make you suffer like hell for no good reason.

Every day, I will still keep on fighting and trying hard to keep surviving. I ain't gonna let the devil in me wins this battle. No matter how many times I've been knocked out, I will keep on trying and fighting for round 2. I watched Superwoman's draw my life on Youtube, that really inspired me a lot. It gives me strength to keep holding on. Never give up because the worst is not going to stay forever. Don't ever choose a permanent solution to a temporary matter. Now my rational mind is speaking, so listen. DEATH SOLVES NOTHING. Death will never solve anything, it will just causes more trouble and problems to the people around you who loves you. It will only make their lifes miserable and yours too when you're in hell. So if you wanna die just because you feel yourself is a burden to people, always troubling people all those, please don't. Because you are a burden in their hearts after you die for those reasons, they will always remember you and feel regret and guilty FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFES. Some more need to trouble them to help you in your funeral? And every year need to go so far to your cemetry to visit you? And they need to be sad every year, every month, every day. 

If you wanna die for no good reason, please don't do it. It's just plain selfish and childish behavior. Don't make yourself get punished in hell just because life treats you unfair. You don't deserve to be punished when you are already so depressed. When life give you lemons, make LEMONADE, LEMON PIE, ICED LEMON TEA OR WHATEVER! FIGHT BACK. Don't let the unfairness of life gets you, show life who's the boss. If you don't wanna trouble other people, it's easy, KICK LIFE'S ASS INSTEAD. It's normal, it's fine, it's okayy to be emo whenever the mood swings come, whenever you faced difficulites of life. You can say all those emo words you want, but after saying that, go relax yourself, take a good nap or sleep, wake up and fight back. Cry yourself a river, build a bridge and get over it. Don't ever give up okayy pretty please? You deserve happiness, I deserve happiness, everyone in this world deserve happiness. Soon or later, happiness will come, just hang in there, okayy? :) 

Must really learn to accept myself for who I am, so that I can only do something about it. Or else I will just forever stuck at there, no moving forward. I must believe in myself, have faith that things will be alright soon. Always try my best to be positive and cheerful. LOVE MYSELF, FOR MYSELF. The only person in this whole world can help you is also YOURSELF. Everyone is important to themselves. If you don't value yourself, nobody can feel your value. Make yourself worth it. I believe if I am doing a good job by building up a better me with a better personality for myself, people will accept me like how I accept myself, people will treat me good like how I treat myself good, people will love me like how I love myself. 

"TREAT PEOPLE LIKE HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED."

How funny when my tweets are negative like hell just now and now my blog post is filled with positive energy. Remember, if your negative mind can impact in such a way, so does your positive mind, it's the same. We are humans, you have the power to control your mind, don't let your mind overpowered you.

I understand we can't rush into things. So, let's just do it slowly as long as you're trying even if it's just a little bit. Something is better than nothing. After a while, you will see these small changes you've made everyday can turn into something BIG. Let's jia you and gambateh together! I believe everyone of us can do it! 

I know I can do it, just give me some time and patience okayy? One day I will get through it and I will be super proud of myself. 

All these words are speaking on behalf of Erin's rational mind. When Erin no rational mind, all these are the opposite. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! x) 

Really, if you are feeling down, sad, depressed, remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are plenty of people out there who are also suffering from it. So don't be afraid. We know how you feel. 

I will never say never, I will fight till forever. And I am not a fan of JB.

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

14/1, I am blessed.

Dear Bloggie,

It's been a few days I didn't write anything here when I've said to myself that I want to blog everyday. I'm really sorry because I can't really think of a topic. When I do, the topics are too negative. I need to convert myself from negative to positive. 

I am really grateful. Although I am facing so many hardships now but when I know there's still people out there willing to accept me for what I am now, no matter good or worst of me. They didn't show me their pitiness towards me instead they use their sincerity to be friends with me and like me for my personality. That's just what I want. I don't want people to pity me just because I am wheelchair bound for now, that only makes me feel even down and my self esteem will go lower and lower. It will makes me feel like I can't keep my head held high because I am not walking like anyone else. 

Things do happen for a reason. What I've lost I gained more. The past will continue to stay in the past because it doesn't really matters anymore. I have to put all my past down, forgive and forget. By doing so, only I can gain true inner peace and  nothing can distract me from the peace I have. For me, to forgive is an easy job but to forget is another way round. It's really hard to forget the hurtful things that people had done to you, especially when that people actually means the whole world to you once. But, it's already in the past, it's no use for me to keep holding on to the pain and make myself so miserable while thinking of it. It's time to let go, all the good and the bad. Just let it go. The earlier you let go of it, the earlier you will get your freedom and peace. The weakest person is the one who holds on anger, hatred and revenge. 

To really start a new life of mine, I decided to let go everything in the past, including the forget part. I have to forgive and forget all the faults of everyone including myself. Forget all the pain that I once had, because it's already over. It's time to move on and meet new people and start a brand new chapter of my life! I believe I can do it! 

Currently I am having a happy life after all of my own realization about life. I've found my happiness. ❤️ I'm really happy because after a hurricane comes a rainbow, a very beautiful rainbow. :) I'm really so thankful to my own self because I've been through all those miserable and painful days. I'm really so thankful to my own self because I chose to keep holding on to life instead of suiciding eventhough I really wanted to so badly. I'm really so thankful to my own self because I never give up so that I will have my happiness of today. (I'm still thinking is it real or it's just my fantasy FOR DAYS, hahahaha!)

So my plans now are, continue to be happy, worry less and stay positive. Of course most importantly, MY RECOVERY. I have to recover as soon as possible because I don't wanna waste time doing nothing. I want to do things which are meaningful to life. I don't want to leave any regrets. I must appreciate the time I have, the things I have and the people I have, before it's too late. 

The past stays in the past. We don't know about our future. So I will cherish today, every today I have. Now and the future. Today's happiness can only build up a brighter tomorrow. I will try my best to make everyone around me to be happy and of course I won't forget about my own happiness this time. 'Today' is most important day than others. If you're good today, you'll be better tomorrow. Don't ever waste the time of today to worry about the future. Every second counts. Because the time will never rewind back. Remember that. 

"Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be."

"活在当下。“

God is fair by treating everyone unfair. Keep holding on for dear life, no matter how hard it is, trust me, time will heal and it will only gets better day by day. Don't give up. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I'm so grateful for all the things I have and I don't have. I appreciate every moment in my life. I'm blessed to have so many wonderful things and people in my life. Thanks for making my life happening again. I am really lucky. I am truly blessed. 

Don't worry, be happy.

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

10/1, A positive message.

Dear Bloggie,

Again, I am having insomnia, currently the time is 6:13 am. It suffers a lot when I can't get to sleep even though I am super sleepy and tired. And again, random thoughts keep smack my mind and wouldn't let it to stay in a peaceful state. Today, some negative thoughts appeared in my mind, which is not a good sign. Let me write it out to release everything.

I am trying so hard to be positive and cheerful again. I know, if I don't help myself, no matter how many people are trying to help me, it's all pointless and useless because I never give any will power to my own self. This is not an easy task to me. I am a very emotional person and I tend to be emotional super easily over small matter. I promised myself, I have to give myself a chance to change myself, to build up a new me. I must. In order to help other people, I have to help myself first. I don't wanna break the promise I gave to myself.

It all started on Twitter. It's been a week's time I've came back to Twitter. It's not nice to spam the FB newsfeed with all my random thoughts. Without a doubt, Twitter will obviously be the best place for random thoughts and there's a lot of those quote accounts, I followed many of them. Sometimes their sayings and quotes are really not bad, it's encouraging. Whenever I started to think too much or the sad feelings suddenly just come like that, I will just tweet anything that's on my mind troubling me but I will change it to become more positive for myself. I don't wanna let the whole world knows I am weak even if I am. That's the only way to make myself mentally and emotionally stronger. It's not a big deal, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Just in seconds, my mood from happy to worry and if I don't encourage myself soon it will evolve from worry to sad then lastly from sad to depressed. I don't want that. So what's on mind now is I'm worrying that people can't accept me for what I am. But now, for me, I think it's a waste of time and energy to put myself in a bad mood just because of that. Firstly, I can't please the society, that's just too much. I can only care about my own business and don't do anything to hurt people, that will be more than enough, as long as I still have my conscience, everything I do will be just fine. Second, people gonna judge me anyway. No matter how good I am or how bad I am, people are still gonna judge me for what I've done. So, I will just do the things that makes me happy, life is too short to be sad over people who don't really care about you and talk nonsense about you, but of course not asking everyone else to do anything they like just because they are happy by doing so, don't ever do illegal things or inappropriate things, or else you are going to face the consequences for your own actions which means no happiness in the end. Must do something that can let happiness to last long, not just short period of happiness. CONSCIENCE, ALWAYS REMEMBER CONSCIENCE. 

Third, no regrets. Sometimes you may have done something that you will feel regret later on. Like "Why did I react to things so furiously I shouldn't be like that" or "I regret that I've done this" or etc etc. Remember, we are only humans. We are not a programmed robot. We live, we make mistakes, we learn. There's no point to regret anything that you've done in the past. Because we can't go back in time to change things right. Let the past stays in the past, there's only moving forward. So if you want those regret feelings to go away, there's only one way - change yourself to become a better person for all the people you are going to meet or haven't met yet. Forgive all of your own faults in the past, accept those mistakes of your own and make good use from it which is LEARN. So you can prevent yourself for doing the same mistakes that you've done in the past. Treat people good but treat yourself better. Forgive yourself. 

Fourth, it's always never too late to realize. Realization is never ever too late, is just a moment earlier. Please don't ever say this "It's too late for me to realize, everything is just too late". Nothing is never too late when you realized. Time is very powerful and very magical, because time will basically do all the job. Time can heal a broken heart, time can show the truth, time can make things slowly fade away. Time can show you the way. Always give yourself time to accept everything and heal from everything. Then, move on. 

Conclusion: You yourself must accept your own self before you can make everybody else to accept you. Don't ever expect people to accept your everything, when you can't even accept your own perfections and flaws. But don't force yourself, take it slowly and easily. And of course, this is a mutual thing. You must also open your heart to accept other people's everything including their flaws, you must give before you take. Always count your blessings.

You will think that, every thing is easier to be said than done. Yup, I am also thinking the same way. But actually, it's just that easy. We are the ones who complicate it BECAUSE WE NEVER EVEN TRY BEFORE WE GIVE UP. Always remember, the past is in the past, there's no point holding on to it even though once it was amazing. Please keep in mind that your present can be that amazing if you never let the clouds of yesterday to cover today's happiness. You can create a better future by starting on today. 

People left, things change, this is why memories are created for you to remember for a lifetime, for you to keep it for a lifetime. Memories are precious, no matter bitter or sweet. They're just something you can be proud or laugh of when you're old as we are growing up day by day. 

"不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有" 

As long as you had it before, forever doesn't matter. 

Because nothing will last forever. :) 

I've made myself clear and I will keep on fighting for my own happiness. Nothing can bring me down again! NEVER GIVE UP AND KEEP ON TRYING. EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD DESERVE HAPPINESS BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT. I'm done with today's topic and the time is 7:27 am. I am a panda + night cat. Muahahaha. X) #YOLO

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

9/1, Ambition.

Dear Bloggie,

I am having insomnia again. Currently it's 5:58 am and I can't sleep because random thoughts keep gliding through my mind. (At least it's not negative thoughts, so I got that going for me, which is nice.) So now I decided to write my blog post earlier. Let's release all the wild thoughts! 

Today I will be going to talk about my ambition. My loyal bloggie readers will know, how many ambitions I've changed within this 5 years. Hahahaha. At first I wanna become a Nutritionist, but after I've seen so many Nutrition clinics are been placed at a place that no one will ever pass by or even worse beside the toilet in MANY hospitals. So I dropped this ambition of mine. No Malaysians will ever go to the Nutritionist but I can understand why. MALAYSIA IS JUST SO AWESOME WITH ALL KINDS OF GREAT FOODS. All comes together with high calories, high carbohydrate, high salts, high sugar and etc etc. But, like I care? I rather die than not eating these awesome foods. Malaysia boleh! #YOLO

Nextly, I've said before that I wanna study game development (I deleted the blog post btw, I am sorry!) Then I think about it again. If I am carrying those heavy debts to just go and enjoy more than study, what for? Although I really really love to play games, but I think this can just stay as an interest and hobby of mine. Must study something more practical for daily life.

Now I officially announce to the whole world, this time I ain't gonna change my ambition anymore, I swear. I am gonna work hard for this ambition of mine because I really wanna achieve this, it's really meaningful to me. So are you guys ready to know? 1.... 2.... 3.... And my ambition now is to become a doctor. Yes, you heard me right, a doctor.

I have many reasons behind this ambition, I bet you guys wanna know right? Even if you don't wanna know, I will still let you know. Hahaha. Firstly, I am really interested in Health sciences, especially those involved Biology eventhough my Biology is not that good, still it's my favorite subject. Second, the pain of losing a family member. My fifth uncle passed away last year due to lymphoma. I feel so sad because I can't do anything to help him, the most I can do is search online for more information about that disease and study about it. Hoping that I can really do something to reduce his pain. Too bad, I can't. I am not a doctor, I wish I am. So by studying medicine, I can help the people around me, my family and friends when they needed any medical checkups or help with their health problems. At least I can try my best to do whatever I can to prevent things like that to happen again. Third, the people who are really in need. Well, I've been hospitalized for a few times last year. I saw so many different situations with my naked eyes. It's just so heartbreaking and sad. When I saw so many people who are crying in pain, when I saw so many people who are so helpless, it really tear my heart apart. I often cry in ward when I saw them suffering. I just can't stand it. They also just want to be fully healed and recover. I want to be a doctor to help these people in need. They need help, they really need. And I really wanna give them a helping hand, I want to let them know they are not helpless. Fourth, I am also a not so healthy person, I will understand their feelings because I've been through all these.

Once, when I was hospitalized, a doctor came to me and asked me what was my ambition. I replied him is either a programmer or a doctor. He shared all his experience as a doctor with me. I am inspired by him. He has the same thinking as me. He just wanted to work at the government hospital to help the people who couldn't afford the expensive medical fees. That's exactly what I've been thinking. He said to me, the private hospitals wanted him to join them, but he refused the offers. He still has so many people he has to help. I am so touched by his actions. He some more said to me all of his friends have became a millionaire because they are working at the private sector while him working at the government sector and his earnings are just enough for his family's living. But, he is doing a way more meaningful job than the ones working at the private sector, to help the poor people who are in need. I respect him, so much so much. 

Now the problem, the study part. Firstly, I am a lazy ass. Hahahaha. To honestly tell you my results of my Form 4 and Form 5 exams are terrible. You must at least get B in Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Maths in order to study medicine. What if I tell you, I failed everything there except for Biology? HAHAHAHAHA. Within this year I have to make everything from fail to B, do you guys think is it even possible? But, I will never give up and I will try my best to score. As long as I understand what's the subject is talking about, then it will be easy. No biggies, I got this. Second, surgery part. This is like the nightmare for me, OMG, seriously? Knife, needles and blood? I can even got scared seeing the fake skeleton. How am I supposed to overcome this? I don't know. Later I faint inside the operating theater. HAHAHAHA. But as the time goes by, I think I will be mentally okayy? Hopefully so. Third, time management. Okayy, medicine is not an easy task or neither a super hard one, it just need discipline and good time organizing. Tell you what, I suck at both. I don't know whether I can manage my time properly for study and fun at the same time. If you study whole day, you're gonna have a bad time. If you play for whole day, you're also gonna have a bad time. It needs to be in between! Oh God. I can die without having fun and also can die if I keep on study. GAMES ARE MY LIFE. I still need to spare some time for my dearest games. Fourth, peer pressure. My God. Med students, all are super smart people and geniuses inside and some nerds. I am just average and..... I am not a nerd. Oh God... How can I blend in? How can I deal with peer pressure arghh.

But most important is my SPM this year. I have to get good results in order to have a chance to study medicine. Must strive for studies and also games. Hahahahaha. To all my buddies there, if anyone of you are free to tutor me, I will be super thankful for it because I really need it so much for all subjects except for English and PM. Help for BM, BC, Maths, Add Maths, Biology, Chemistry, Physics and most importantly SEJARAH will be needed. Please contact me if you are interested. We can hang out, have fun and also you tutor me. So will be 3 in 1 package. Hahahaha! I wanna have fun when study and after study too. :P If you don't wanna tutor me but want to hang out and have fun with me, please do contact me also, I am waiting for you. Hahahaha! I am serious with it, really. :) But all these will need to wait until I recover, you can come to me for reservations and booking first. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! 

Motivation is on. Fight hard for what I want. I will never give up. And the time now is 7:29 am. Hashtag You only live once.

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

8/1, Forget me not, old friend.

Dear Bloggie,

While I am thinking so hard about what topic should I write for today, someone just came into my mind like that. So I decided to write about this old friend of mine today. :) 

I ain't gonna describe his looks or appearance like those primary school teachers will ask us to do when we are writing an essay titled "My friend" or "My best friend" or what so ever. I will just make it short to call him L instead. P/s: Not the 'L' from Death note ah...

Random memories of me and him just popped out in my mind. Time flies, like seriously. It's been two years more since the last time I saw him. Form 4 he transferred to another school. The last time we both spoke is the PMR results time on FB. After that I never heard from him anymore. He deactivated his FB account and I lost his phone number. I wonder how is he doing now. I miss him. Don't get me wrong. We are just friends, not more than that. 

We were slightly close to each other started since Form 2. He always likes to tease and bully us (Us includes Hanu and Dhurgaa) in school together with his buddy. I still remember there was one time, L and his buddy, Hanu, Dhurgaa and I, we combined 5 tables together and all of us sat together like that. Until our Sivik teacher a.k.a disciplinary teacher asked us to separate and get back to our original state. It was really so fun! Aww... Memories. 

Then, I think it started at Form 2's year end exam. We both will be waking up early in the morning to prepare for those subjects of the day. I still remember there was one time, he wanted me to give him a wake up call in the morning, I called him, I got scared by his morning voice because his voice is so 'mature' I thought it was his father or someone else who picked up the phone. HAHAHA. Silly me. We both will help each other in our studies, homeworks or projects. This "phenomenon" continued until Form 3 don't know when I forgot already. 

Hey L, I wonder how are you now? I hope you are doing well. I hope I can still contact with you because I really miss you so much AS A FRIEND. I miss you finding me almost everyday in our Form 3 life to annoy me and talked nonsense together. I still remember those time when you keep rushing me to send you the information of the project or keep on reminding me to bring my pendrive with all the information of the project inside to school for you. What I really miss the most is us studying together in the early morning for our exams. I really miss those days together with you. I miss my study buddy and also talk nonsense buddy. Although I hate it when you sometimes tease me or bully me, but it still part of the memories I had together with you. I miss it too. :) 

People left but the memories will always stay. I will never forget. Hope you at don't know where, will still remember me as your friend. Thank you for creating such wonderful memories together with me to keep for a lifetime, L. :) 

I wish you all the best in your future, get good SPM results, strive for future studies and also continue to annoy more people in your life! Hahahaha. :P

Forget me not, my old friend. 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️ 

 

7/1, The past is in the past.

Dear Bloggie,

I'm so sorry that I neglected you for a super duper long time, dear bloggie. Is not that I don't want to come here and write something, just that I feel my life has nothing interesting to blog about. It's just the same old plain boring life. Whenever I get the ideas of blogging, it will soon fades away. Is either something makes my mood goes away or I'm really not in the mood to do anything. 

So today I'm going to summarize my 2014 life in a nutshell. (Don't ever believe my saying of 'summarize' I'm gonna end up summarize nothing but making the blog post longer. I suck at summary.) Too many things happened in 2014, mostly not so good things or bad things. I suffered so much in 2014. Physically and mentally. I decided to write out everything here and give it a fullstop. The past should stays in the past and it shouldn't come to disturb my present and interferes my future. Let the story begins. 

Firstly, I am officially single now. The worst breakup for me but I can still handle it. Because this breakup is nothing comparing to the other problems of mine. So what can I describe is, time will show the true side of a person. Love is blind and I've been blindfolded for so long. I am really so disappointed because he can't even tell me the truth of why is he breaking up with me instead he made up nonsense. I am the type of girl who rather got slapped by the truth than be comforted by the lie. Like seriously, be a man. If you wanna breakup just tell me the truth, if there's nothing I can do anymore for this relationship, I will surely let go of you as you wanted and I will wish you all the best. I'm not putting all the blame on him of course, I know my faults too. Just that his actions after the breakup makes me sad and really really disappointed. But then, I think about it. It's worthless and pointless to feel sad for this person and waste my tears on him anymore. I don't know what to write anymore for this topic, I am really really speechless and heartbroken. Hope that he will be more mature in the future. Thank you for everything. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Second, I am having health problems. Since last year April I sprained my ankle until now it still hurts and the doctor told me that my ankle is not going to be healed anymore because what's been injured should be healed for a long time ago. I am really sad when I heard this. Just because I fell into a small drain and it became like that. I never thought it will be that serious until it can't be healed anymore. At the moment I fell into the small drain and sprained my ankle, I still thought it's just a small thing like let me rest awhile then I can be walking like normal when the pain goes off but never, never. So for the rest of my life I need to continue to bear with the pain, cannot do any sports, no long distance walking and no heels? I don't know. Although the doctor said it to me like that, but I still hoping that one day the pain will disappear by its own and I can move around with zero pain.

Then, the neuro specialists found out that I'm having a spinal cord atrophy which my spinal cord is smaller and shorter in size comparing than the normal ones. And they say this is the reason that caused weakness in my both legs and not able to walk. The doctors didn't really do or say anything much about it. I am still waiting for Hospital Kuala Lumpur to call me when there's an empty bed. For your information I've been waiting for 4 months and the Hospital never gave us a call. I am really tired of waiting. I searched online for more information about my disease, after I checked multiple websites. This disease has no cure, no medicine and there's nothing you can do with it only physiotherapy to let the muscles not to be weakening fast. Mostly people with this disease will need wheelchair assistance later in life. And this kind of disease is caused by the genes. My parents don't have the same problem as mine. So now I am wondering whether I am their biological child or not. (Hahaha, just kidding.) I feel hopeless and I cried out loud a lot of times because of this. 

Third, my most terrified nightmare - depression. I already sensed myself having this sickness during the start of the year 2014. I lost my motivation in doing things, I don't have the mood to do anything, I don't have the appetite to eat, I have terrible mood swings, I am really sensitive and I can get upset for things super easily and rage on. Sometimes I just want to sit at the sofa and do nothing or be at anywhere and do nothing. I just want to do nothing. I think the causing factors of my depression are my family, friendship and also relationship. My depression is worsening day by day. Especially now where I am all alone, laying on bed for 24/7, facing the same four walls of my room and nothing better to do, this condition of mine it's been at least 3 months. All because of my ankle pain and lower limbs weakness and also back pain, all adding up together to form such a wonderful "harmony". My ankle pain obviously makes me pain, my lower limbs weakness obviously makes me no energy to even stand and my back pain obviously makes me cannot sit up for too long so I have to keep laying down. Because of all these sicknesses, I didn't get to go to sit for SPM, the first day also I am in the hospital. I emotionally break down in ward because I was too sad. I feel like I had disappointed my parents, the people who puts hope on me and also myself. Even now at home, I sometimes couldn't help myself but to cry out loud and shouting like a mad. I feel myself useless because I am just a sick people who can't do anything by myself. I need to trouble my parents to take care of me. Look at their age now. They are not young anymore. I should be the one taking care of them but look at me, I am just so useless. My parents said to me, no matter how they will find me the best doctor to cure me. I am like, it's useless and pointless. Spinal cord atrophy ain't going to heal. For what send me to those expensive private hospitals? I really hope I could just disappear in a thin air. I have really bad suicidal thoughts. I really wanted to die so badly so that I don't need to trouble anyone anymore in this world and I myself no need to suffer from all these anymore. 

It's been so long since the last time I wrote such a long essay. I think I really should be writing out all these instead of keeping these sad feelings inside my heart. So I've decided to start blogging from today onwards. I want to make my bloggie as my dear diary and also a small world of mine. I think by doing this maybe it could help my depressed soul to feel better and also letting out all of my thoughts and feelings no need to keep so much inside then make myself suffer from it.

So, I've written all out, all the negative things, sad things or whatever. To enjoy the future, I have to endure my present and ensure my past is past. Life goes on, I have to move on and build up "me" again. And yeah, I actually summarized the whole thing because it's still not very detailed so does it still count as a success? If I never summarized this blog post could be a novel. Hahaha. 

Starting from tomorrow, so called positive blog posts will keep on making an appearance here in my bloggie. I can't wait. :) 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

There's always a light in the darkness.

I never thought time can be passed that fast in just a blink of an eye. My last blog post is exactly one or two months ago already. Everyday I say to myself, I need to find time to blog. But I ended up putting things until tomorrow and laziness and sometimes inspiration comes but no mood to write anything, too bad too sad.

Well, a month just passed like that. JUST LIKE THAT. So fast November ends, and there comes December. Time doesn't wait. And now finally I realized, when good things happen, time passes extremely fast; when bad things happen, you thought it passes much more slower than before, it's actually not, it's still the same. Maybe this is like what they said, a storm won't last forever.

"After a hurricane, comes a rainbow."

I actually thought about blogging at the last day of November though, but too bad and I thought of blogging yesterday too and yup too bad too sad. I drag it all until today, the midnight. Maybe now, I can only let it out through words.

Words are powerful, meaningful but at the same time, it's hurtful too. Meaningful words, may bring you the tears of joy while hurtful words may bring you the tears of sadness.

Always mind your words every time you type or speak, always think twice. Especially for us, the ones who always use social networks. Because words, are also the main cause of cyber bully. You will never know how big are the power of words to cheer or to hurt someone, INDIRECTLY. :)

Well, I'm having a very complicated feeling right now. I don't know how to describe the feeling I'm having now. It's kinda like a messy mood. Like clouds are covering the brightness to shine into my heart. I wished to cheer up. It's so suffering to have this kind of messy mood, you can't even know what to feel. I can have multiple moods in one time. I can feel anger, sadness, disappointment, loneliness and etc etc. I don't know how to react.. :') It drives me insane.. :')

I'm an emotional type of person, I get emotional easily. It's really hard to control my own mood. I know I've to learn, because this is not really good. Once you started to think too much, you will start to create problems that never exist and worrying about it, then put yourself into a bad mood later on you will be messing up a lot a lot of things. And for some things, you may regret afterwards but it will be too late, because you can't turn back time to change all things right again.

How I wish my feelings had a delete button. So I can just delete all the bad ones. Then I no need to think that much and be sad for so long. All negative thoughts just disappear like that. No more coming back. How good?

Well, I hope, I can soon cheer up myself and be happy. I need my cheerfulness back. These few days, I'm just so depressed like a body without a soul. I should keep on believing, and think slightly positive, after all the pain, happiness will come. :') Must be patient and don't stop trying to make things right.
When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place. Don't ever give up!


"The difference between school and life; in school, you learn your lesson and get tested. In life, you get tested and then learn your lesson."


Leave all the pain behind, forget all about it. It's a brand new month, a new beginning! Life goes on. You only live once, make all your moments a great one to remember for your whole life. Don't leave any regrets.
Every second counts. Don't waste it. ♥

Always appreciate what you have, don't wait until you lost it and it's too late to get it back. ♥

It's time for me to go, gotta get some sleep now. Wish everyone have a good kick start for the entire month and of course for myself too. Enjoy the very last month of year 2013, make it a blast one and memorable one. ♥

Chaos.