Today I have to wake up early in the morning because I have a MRI scan appointment at 9am.
This time I will be scanning the brain and also my whole spine. Seriously this is the fourth time I got my whole spine scanned. I guess the results will always be the same, spinal cord atrophy it is or sometimes the result shows no abnormality! What a strange body I'm having HAHAHAHA.
My mom and I went to the hospital by a private ambulance due to my inconvenience of mobility. Actually I don't really wanna go to do the scan today because I know to call a private ambulance to send me to the hospital costs a lot, RM200 (go and back) and the hospital is just 5-10 mins away from my uncle's house in Seremban. And my current household financial ability definitely cannot afford such expensive expenses. There's also another reason why I don't wanna do the scan today it's because I have to be inside that MRI scanning machine for an hour WITHOUT MOVING MY BODY AT ALL. I HAVE TO BE IN THE SAME POSITION FOR AN HOUR!!!! THAT'S FREAKING UNCOMFORTABLE AND PAINFUL FOR MY CURRENT SITUATION! And I bet the results are gonna be the same as my previous scanning results, I really think it's just a waste of time and money to go for this scan. So I'm extremely unwilling to go.
Finally I get to go out to breathe in some fresh air after facing the same four walls everyday..... But the "fresh air" inside of the ambulance and the hospital is not something that I'm looking forward to. That's not the kind of fresh air that I wanted.
Reached the hospital on time but I need to wait for my turn to do the scan because in-patients and emergency patients are their main priority.
So when it's my turn, I successfully finished a brain MRI scan but I did not manage to finish my whole spine MRI scan due to the pain I'm having for not moving at all. I can't stand the pain, I tried to tahan but I just can't.
I was so panic at first because there's no one inside that imaging area. When I try to press the "emergency hand pump bell" to ask for assistance, my hands are too weak to press the bell so it's not working for me. I'm getting more and more panic so I started crying. Then I remembered the words of the technician before I started the scan, "Just move your legs if you can't press the bell." Then I tried to move my legs to seek for their attention. But when I started to move my legs, OH MY GOD WHY SO GOD DAMN PAINFUL OMG. The pain is very suffering but no choice that's the only way to get their attention. :'(
After a lot of attempts later, FINALLY I GOT THEIR ATTENTION BUT I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF TO CRY UNCONTROLLABLY. I'm really in an extra uncomfortable state and I can't do it anymore. At that point I just wanna go back home to my comfy bed to rest.
They carried me out from the machine and let me to rest outside. They told me that the scan only needs 15 mins more to finish the whole spine scan. But no matter how they try to persuade me to try for another 15 mins more, my answer is still a NO. I refused to do it anymore. This time's MRI scan is the most painful experience of all MRI scans that I've done in my entire life. I really wished that they can understand my condition and not telling me to continue the scan anymore. If I could bear with the pain, I will definitely hold on to it until the end because the transportation fees to the hospital it's not cheap and I don't wanna waste that money too. But I really can't. Deep inside I felt extremely guilty too.
What disappoints me the most is my mother's reaction to me. She's trying to persuade me to complete the scan since it's just 15mins left. I keep refuse to do so because I know I've reached my limits. I thought my mother would understand my decision but it turns out she didn't. Her temper went up and she spoke louder to me. I was really so sad. Then I recalled back one of my memories with my father. There was once when I'm crying because of pain in the hospital, my father immediately ask the doctor/therapist to stop what they're doing and ask them whether can it be continued next time because I can't stand it anymore for now. Then, my father will pujuk me by saying, "Later papa buy chocolate for you ok don't cry already." At the end he bought me more than just a bar of chocolate. He even bought me other of my favorite snacks, candies and drinks to make me happy again... :')
The man who loves me the most in this entire world has left me alone and is gone forever.. :'( ... I miss you papa.. I really really do....... :'( ... Why do you have to leave this world so soon..... :'( .....
By recalling this memory of mine, I cried even louder there and I kept calling "papa, papa" ...... How I wished he is just there right beside me......
So at the end, I only finished my brain MRI scan and did not complete the whole spine MRI scan. I stopped crying when I finally reached my uncle's house; when I'm finally in my bed again.
Now I'm feeling much more better after putting hot packs on my both legs and apply lots of ointment and a nap and pain killers.
To write this blog post I took extra pain killers because I didn't expect myself to write such a long post. So it's time for me to rest my hands now.
Tata, xoxo. ❤️
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