11/4/16, To be productive.

Dear Bloggie,

I don't wish to waste my time everyday just lying on my bed. I actually feel quite sad because I've wasted almost 2 years of my life on bed. Two years' time of my life that I'm never gonna get back. My time, my youth, all gone just like that.

I know that due to my condition like this I have no choice but to deal with an unproductive life. Every day when I scroll through FB, Insta and other SNS, I feel really envy of my friends. They can have their own plans, they can go to study, they can go to work, they can go to travel while me just lying on my bed doing nothing with my life. 

I cried whenever I thought of this matter. Then I started to ask, "Why?". Why others can be healthy and leading their own lives, while me have to be sick and not progressing at all some more I have to depend on my mother to take care of my daily needs.

So I've made a decision to be productive IN MY OWN WAY. Although the things I can do for now is limited, but I will always try my best to challenge the limit! 

Currently I'm trying to be productive by learning a new language which is Japanese. I'm learning Japanese through an app called "Memrise". I strongly recommend this app to people who wants to learn other languages than their own native language. Other languages such as Chinese, Korean, French, Italian, Spanish & etc are available to learn FOR FREE. Besides than languages, you can also learn other topics such as ABRSM theory, coding, programming & etc. And the way of learning is very easy for you to memorize and it's kinda fun and addictive too! It makes you wanna learn more! (If only you're very interested with that certain subject)

Nextly, I am planning to open more online shops to organize my selling items as I mentioned before on my last blog post. By doing so I hope I can earn more money to support my family of two because obviously my current online shop income is IMPOSSIBLE to even afford 3 meals for a day. But still it's always better than not earning anything at all, I'm grateful for it. I'm taking baby steps, not rushing to earn a lot of money straight away of course. I believe one day my hard work and dedication will be rewarded. Perseverance is the key! 

I will blog more often if my condition allows me to. I always wanted to write blog entries everyday to record my everyday activities and feelings, like a diary. Will try to make it happen soon or later. :) 

I must work hard to be a better person for myself! Because clearly I'm extremely not satisfied with my own self now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Whether I like it or not, this is me. Some facts of myself cannot be changed, but I can always try to make things better.

I like to be productive and I hope laziness doesn't kill it for me HAHAHAHAHAHA

Last but not least, THANK YOU SMARTPHONE, TABLETS AND INTERNET IF NOT MY SICK LIFE WILL BE BORED AF AND I WILL BE REALLY LIFELESS AND NONE OF THESE STUFFS CAN BE DONE TO BE PRODUCTIVE I LOVE TECHNOLOGY SO MUCH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

30/3/16, My wishlist.

Dear Bloggie,

The following list of items are arranged in no specific form of order: 

MY WISHLIST

1. DSLR camera

2. Nintendo 3DS XL

3. A trip to Japan

4. PSVita games

5. Baking tools and utensils 

6. Oven

7. Makeups

8. Skincare products

9. Japanese language lessons

10. Lots of clothes

11. Eat lots of foods

12. My Little Pony full collection of plushies

13. A shopping spree without looking at the price

14. Laptop

15. Nice speakers for my desktop pc

16. Perm & dye my hair

17. A car

The purpose of this wishlist is to give me motivation to work hard so that I can get what my heart desires. 

Of course, these are not the things I really need in life, basic needs definitely come first before all these unnecessary things.

This wishlist will be updated time to time according to my interest at the moment. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

If I happen to achieve any of these, I will try to write a blog post about it and attach the link to my wishes here. :) 

Will come to read my wishlist everyday before "work" so that I can be motivated to work harder to have a better life. 

By "work" I actually mean my online business, heehee. I created an online boutique on Instagram last year and surprisingly I did earn some from it. But I stopped doing my business for awhile due to the pain of my both arms and hands. Now, my online shop is once again open for business because I have no choice but to earn a living from it (hopefully). My dad passed away, my mom's not working, so no income at all, leave me no choice but to work even though my condition is not so good, pain killers will come in handy. (Please don't simply eat pain killers when it's not necessary, only eat it when you can't tahan the pain anymore or under special permission from the doctors) 

Please do support my online boutique by following it on Instagram @littleflowercloset 

Or

Follow my shop on Shopee: 

http://shopee.com.my/littleflowercloset

Or

Follow my shop on Carousell:

http://carousell.com/littleflowercloset

Of course it's best if you can support me by purchasing the items that I'm selling. HAHAHAHAHAHA 

Really, buy from me pretty pleaseeeeeeee! ❤️  

Your purchase will help my life a lot for now, seriously. 

Will soon open more online shops to categorize my selling items, please stay tuned for more updates from me! ❤️

Life ain't easy, but I won't give up.

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

28/3/16, MRI Scan.

Dear Bloggie,

Today I have to wake up early in the morning because I have a MRI scan appointment at 9am. 

This time I will be scanning the brain and also my whole spine. Seriously this is the fourth time I got my whole spine scanned. I guess the results will always be the same, spinal cord atrophy it is or sometimes the result shows no abnormality! What a strange body I'm having HAHAHAHA. 

My mom and I went to the hospital by a private ambulance due to my inconvenience of mobility. Actually I don't really wanna go to do the scan today because I know to call a private ambulance to send me to the hospital costs a lot, RM200 (go and back) and the hospital is just 5-10 mins away from my uncle's house in Seremban. And my current household financial ability definitely cannot afford such expensive expenses. There's also another reason why I don't wanna do the scan today it's because I have to be inside that MRI scanning machine for an hour WITHOUT MOVING MY BODY AT ALL. I HAVE TO BE IN THE SAME POSITION FOR AN HOUR!!!! THAT'S FREAKING UNCOMFORTABLE AND PAINFUL FOR MY CURRENT SITUATION! And I bet the results are gonna be the same as my previous scanning results, I really think it's just a waste of time and money to go for this scan. So I'm extremely unwilling to go. 

Finally I get to go out to breathe in some fresh air after facing the same four walls everyday..... But the "fresh air" inside of the ambulance and the hospital is not something that I'm looking forward to. That's not the kind of fresh air that I wanted. 

Reached the hospital on time but I need to wait for my turn to do the scan because in-patients and emergency patients are their main priority. 

So when it's my turn, I successfully finished a brain MRI scan but I did not manage to finish my whole spine MRI scan due to the pain I'm having for not moving at all. I can't stand the pain, I tried to tahan but I just can't.

I was so panic at first because there's no one inside that imaging area. When I try to press the "emergency hand pump bell" to ask for assistance, my hands are too weak to press the bell so it's not working for me. I'm getting more and more panic so I started crying. Then I remembered the words of the technician before I started the scan, "Just move your legs if you can't press the bell." Then I tried to move my legs to seek for their attention. But when I started to move my legs, OH MY GOD WHY SO GOD DAMN PAINFUL OMG. The pain is very suffering but no choice that's the only way to get their attention. :'(

 

After a lot of attempts later, FINALLY I GOT THEIR ATTENTION BUT I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF TO CRY UNCONTROLLABLY. I'm really in an extra uncomfortable state and I can't do it anymore. At that point I just wanna go back home to my comfy bed to rest. 

They carried me out from the machine and let me to rest outside. They told me that the scan only needs 15 mins more to finish the whole spine scan. But no matter how they try to persuade me to try for another 15 mins more, my answer is still a NO. I refused to do it anymore. This time's MRI scan is the most painful experience of all MRI scans that I've done in my entire life. I really wished that they can understand my condition and not telling me to continue the scan anymore. If I could bear with the pain, I will definitely hold on to it until the end because the transportation fees to the hospital it's not cheap and I don't wanna waste that money too. But I really can't. Deep inside I felt extremely guilty too.

What disappoints me the most is my mother's reaction to me. She's trying to persuade me to complete the scan since it's just 15mins left. I keep refuse to do so because I know I've reached my limits. I thought my mother would understand my decision but it turns out she didn't. Her temper went up and she spoke louder to me. I was really so sad. Then I recalled back one of my memories with my father. There was once when I'm crying because of pain in the hospital, my father immediately ask the doctor/therapist to stop what they're doing and ask them whether can it be continued next time because I can't stand it anymore for now. Then, my father will pujuk me by saying, "Later papa buy chocolate for you ok don't cry already." At the end he bought me more than just a bar of chocolate. He even bought me other of my favorite snacks, candies and drinks to make me happy again... :')

The man who loves me the most in this entire world has left me alone and is gone forever.. :'( ... I miss you papa.. I really really do....... :'( ... Why do you have to leave this world so soon..... :'( ..... 

By recalling this memory of mine, I cried even louder there and I kept calling "papa, papa" ...... How I wished he is just there right beside me......

So at the end, I only finished my brain MRI scan and did not complete the whole spine MRI scan. I stopped crying when I finally reached my uncle's house; when I'm finally in my bed again. 

Now I'm feeling much more better after putting hot packs on my both legs and apply lots of ointment and a nap and pain killers. 

To write this blog post I took extra pain killers because I didn't expect myself to write such a long post. So it's time for me to rest my hands now. 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

21/9, Monday.

Dear Bloggie,

Done lumbar puncture just now. My back is feeling uncomfortable and pain after my anesthesia is gone. And currently I am writing my bloggie with my right hand like this:

So definitely I won't be writing long.

I will basically just summarize how I feel today. 

Let the past stay in the past, because you can't change anything about it anymore, even if it's just yesterday or even if it's just the second that passed by. 

Always learn to forgive and forget. Forgive yourself, learn from the mistakes and don't ever look back. Your past doesn't define you anymore. 

Forgive others, even they had hurt you a lot. 

Let it go, because every hurtful feelings and memories you've been holding on for so long doesn't give you any benefits for it, except for a burden, a super heavy burden, which slowly leads you become hopeless and slowly develop into depression. 

 

ONLY REMEMBER THE HAPPY THINGS THAT PEOPLE HAD DONE TO YOU, OTHER THAN THAT, FORGET IT.

Appreciate those happy moments and memories that you've once had with them, even when you're not contacting with them anymore or even when they had hurt you a lot before. 

You can't deny you're once happy with them, you can't deny you feel happiness when you're with them, at least for once. 

Treasure those memories and moments, keep them and feel blessed, because you've once experienced happiness even it did not last for a lifetime.

"For a moment like this, some people waited a lifetime for a moment like this."

You are not perfect, everybody in this world is not perfect, NOBODY IS PERFECT. You don't have to be perfect, it's okay to be not okay sometimes. You don't need to fake a smile and pretend that you're happy to people when deep inside you are extremely not. It's fine for you to be sad and angry when you need to, because you're not a robot, our moods and emotions are essentials to our daily life. 

Be your true self when you are with other people, DON'T EVER TRY TO PLEASE THE SOCIETY, BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 

Be your true self so that you can gain true friends who understand you that will stay in your life instead of fake friends who will take you for granted and leave you when you have no more benefits for them.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. 

Everybody judge. Even if I didn't tell it out straight to your face, secretly I still do. 

If people accept the way you are, cool, I am happy for you.

If they're unhappy with the way you act as you are, just let them be, you don't need them in your life anyway. 

As I said just now, you don't need to please the society, THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE TO PLEASE IT WILL BE YOURSELF. 

Last but not least, everyone has their own flaws. Everyone is perfectly imperfect in their own ways. Don't ever let your flaws destroy you but let it strengthen you. 

That's all for today, goodnight dearies. 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

20/9, Sunday.

Dear Bloggie,

I am back to blog again! But due to my arms and hands pain and sore for don't know what reason, I won't be writing long. 

A lot had happened in my life, good and bad. Currently I am hospitalized at HKL again, and it's already been more than a week! I don't know how long I have to stay some more though.

The purpose I am back on my blogging track is because I wanna be positive and I wanna keep reminding myself, I am stronger than what I am. 

Today is the day, I've cried out all the sadness in me. Start from tomorrow, I have promised myself, I need to be more positive towards life and I will be much more stronger than who I am today! 

If I've lost something good, God will surely replace it by giving me something even better. God has it's own planning and I am willing to accept it. God knows best. I believe in Him. 

I need to love myself more before I could love somebody else. If I don't love myself and accept myself for who I am, nobody else will ever love me or even accept me for who I am. 

As time goes by I've been starting to lose my positive fighting-to-be-healthy spirit, because I am starting to get very panic, why after so long time I still haven't gotten much improvement and it even got worst. At first my both legs, now even my hands are affected with pain and tiredness. 

I am starting to get even depressed after midyear, I am starting to even worry about my condition and I am starting to think lots of negative stuffs. I am starting to cry a lot than before. I am starting to lose my hope. I am starting to lose my faith. As I planned to recover before midyear but it didn't work out as what I planned. So I am all covered with stress, pressure and negative thoughts. 

What happened these few days are definitely a good wake up call for me. It's calling me to be stronger and start to focus back on myself. The wake up call is definitely worth it, because once again I realized how important for me to be positive towards life. Positive thinking brought me a lot of good stuffs happening in my life while the negative thinking slowly destroying every thing I had. 

So start from today I will be blogging every night before I had my painkiller or my depression pills that will cause me to be sleepy. 

My bloggie is my dear diary. 

The past is in the past, tomorrow in a brand new start! Gambateh! 

Feeling drowsy now, goodnight dearies. 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️ 

27/2, I'm a princess wannabe!

Dear Bloggie,

"Now remember, 
No nagging, bragging, sweating, fretting, slipping, tripping, 
Slurping, burping, twittering or frittering allowed.
Stay Present, stay pleasant, stay proud.

To be a princess
Is to know which spoon to use
To be a princess
Is to own a thousand pairs of shoes
To maintain a regal gait
Leave the parsley on your plate
And be charming but detached
And yet amused
To be a princess
Is to never be confused

Do a plié and never fall
Don't ever stray from protocol
All through the day
There's just one way
You must behave
Do keep a grip and never crack
Stiff upper lip and arch the back
Bend from above
And always wear your gloves
And wave

Shoulders back and
Tummy in and
Pinky out and
Lift the chin and
Slowly turn the head from side to side

I see now

Breathing gently
Stepping lightly
Smile brightly
Nod politely
Never show a thing you feel inside
Glide! 

To be a princess
Is to always look your best
To be a princess
Is to never get to rest
Sit for a portrait, never squirm
Sleep on a mattress extra firm
Speak and be clever
Never at a loss for words
Curtsy to every count and lord
Learn how to play the harpsichord
Sing lullabies and always harmonize in thirds

Do a plié and don't
(Ever ever ever fall)
Never show dismay
(And be there when people call)
Be prepared whatever royal life will bring
Do keep a grip and don't
(Ever ever ever crack)
Take a dainty sip
(Never ever turn your back)
There's a time and place and way for everything

To be a princess
Is to never make your bed
To be a princess
Is to always use your head"

This is the lyrics from one of the soundtracks from Barbie as The Princess and The Pauper titled "To Be A Princess". 

And yes, since young, I am a princess wannabe. I wanted to be a princess so badly even for now, I still want to be a princess. But, obviously I am just a pauper, duh. 

I love all those Barbie princess movies such as The Princess and The Pauper and 12 Dancing Princesses. Or those Disney movies such as The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and Cinderella. Oh those dreams come true fantasies..... Happily ever after....... 

I am so obsessed with those fancy gowns and especially the princess' TIARA. OMG.. T___T When I was young, I will take my mother's long dresses to wear as my gown and use something to pretend as a tiara (because I don't have one). Then I will be walking around the house, imagine myself like a princess in those fairytales. Everytime when my parents brought me to the malls or pasar malam, I always saw those princess looking gowns. I always requested for a fancy gown. My parents didn't reject my request.... But too bad I was too chubby or probably I would say too FAT for those gowns.. T___T Let me cry, cry me a river.

So now, I am already a grown up. STILL, MY YOUNG HEART NEVER DIES. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Maybe this is why I am so obsessed with maxi dresses. BECAUSE IT'S LONG AND MOST PROBABLY LOOKS LIKE A GOWN SO WHICH MEANS IT MAKES ME A PRINCESS. Nice logic I have there, I must keep that going on. 

I bought a lot of maxi dresses online from Taobao. It's much more cheaper than Malaysia, like seriously.   You guys should check that website out, it's heaven I am telling ya! Soon, I will be buying myself a tiara to fulfill my childhood dream of wearing one. T___T But of course a cheap one from Taobao also. I want to buy it just for photo taking purpose. Then, I saw this gorgeous ring those quotes account from Twitter shared. 

Image source: Google images

PANDORA PRINCESS TIARA RING OMG. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS RING. I WANNA OWN THIS RING!! But... I don't know where to find. :/ Few days ago, when I went for window shopping, I went inside Pandora to check out their rings to search for this design but it seems like they don't have it. :/ 

I searched for the same ring on Taobao, but I don't know is it a real Pandora or just an inspired one. :/ I don't wanna pay few hundreds then get an inspired one. T___T ARGHH, ANY IDEAS WHERE TO BUY THIS RING?! TELL ME PLEASE! T___T I hope it's available in Malaysia Pandora outlets. :( it will be much more easier. :/ 

Being a princess is not just about the appearance, the intelligence matters too. Looks are not everything, what most important is still the inner side, the heart. If you have a pretty face but an ugly heart, sorry you are still ugly. #justsayin 

Being a princess ain't easy! A princess must always behave herself, be disciplined. Have to always smile brightly and be polite to people. So many rules to follow, can't show a single bit of indecentness. A princess has to be perfect and flawless in all ways. I wonder how tiring it is. :( so yeah, this is not my thing, because why? I AM PROUD TO BE A LAZY ASS. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

So, I decided to be my boyfie's one and only princess, that's more than enough for me. ❤️ Make sure you treat me like a princess my baka boyfie! :P I promise I will be a good princess for you so help me fulfill my princess dream okay? :P Don't worry, very easy only, you will just have to pamper me, take care of me, respect me, protect me, put up with me, love me, feed me, never leave me. 

Image source: Google Images.

Garfield miaomiao. :P ❤️ loving this line. HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Girls, always keep your head held high or else your tiara drops. ;) Be proud of yourselves dear princesses! 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️

23/2, CNY mood and feelings.

Dear Bloggie,

Pity the secondary school students started their school today. Holiday is gone in just a blink of an eye. I know right. So today will be the 5th day of CNY a.k.a the lunar new year. Today I come to summary my CNY mood and feelings. 

So I painted my nails to gain more CNY feels. But actually, it doesn't help much, really.

Just simply bought a colour that I don't have from Elianto. For your information I am like a collector of Elianto's nail colour because the price is cheap and affordable, but I am not quite sure about it now. I was shocked when I know their latest price. From RM 5.5 or RM 5.9 or RM 6 (I forgot already) to the price of RM 9.9 per bottle of nail colour. I was like OMG. Still, I bought it for CNY sake. The result of the nail colour is nice, not disappointing. Painted my nails super last minute on the CNY eve. 

Then, it's the first day of CNY! I woke up early in the morning, I think 9 or 10 am to get prepared for the day! 

White colour maxi dress as my simple #ootd. My terrible hair was garnished by a beautiful flower crown. Early in the morning, open Facebook and Instagram, lots of lenglui and lengzai posting their #ootd and also don't forget about the hashtag #choryat. 

How I celebrated CNY this year:

The first day, my friend, Janice came to my house to pay me a visit. I was really happy because it's been a very long time since the last time I saw her. She stayed for an hour only because I have to go to my auntie's house for a visit. So after she left, we went to my auntie's house where other relatives of mine who already reached there earlier were just chilling at there. It was so awkward for me to face the relatives because I am the only one who's on the wheelchair. I feel uneasy I feel uncomfortable seeing so many people around me, I am scared. But since it is the CNY, I force myself to smile when needed. Let me embrace my awkward smile. I never talked to any of my cousins there and no one approached me either to talk. But still, I did took some group pictures with my cousins gathered around my wheelchair. I was forced to. I bet some of them were being forced as well. So after we left my auntie's house, we went to a shopping mall and just simply walked around and then went home. 

The second day, Janice came to my house for a visit again before she goes back to KL. This time both of us chatted for more than 2 hours time. We exchanged each other's life stories. I really enjoyed her accompany as I don't have a friend to visit me after I have this sickness. Don't know when will be the next time I see her again? 

The third day, nothing much really. My dad bought me crabs and my mother cooked the crabs so I ate crabs. Yum yum. 

The fourth day, nothing much really.

The conclusion: My CNY this year is no difference with any other day else. 

To be honest, this is the first no CNY feeling punya CNY for me. I am still laying on my bed most of the times, staying inside my room, facing the same four walls. None of my cousins find me to talk and just like any other days I am alone in my room for the whole day, except for the first day and second day. I am still living my lifeless days and just doing nothing to wait the time pass. The CNY mood is getting cool and cooler year by year. No offense it's the truth. 

I still remember how fun CNY was, when I was young. Don't mention about years ago, just talk about last year instead. Indeed last year wasn't my best CNY also because I am having relationship problems and my school problems. But, in the same room I am in right now, last year, my cousin sisters and brothers filled up the queen sized bed space and also the tilam on the floor. I remember I was crying because of my relationship problem and my cousins were there for me, giving me their best caring to me. Then later at midnight, we had a gossip session about each other's life. I still remember how fun it was, talking together and laughed together.

This year everything seems to change. The elder cousin sisters I am close to, have their own colleagues, friends and family to spend time with. They didn't really come over already. For the younger cousin sisters of mine, we weren't that close as before anymore. No one dares to come to me, maybe because of my depression? And how am I supposed to go to them when my condition don't allow me to? So yeah, forever alone for me. I am so lonely as usual. 

Humans are constantly changing, this is an undeniable fact. Sometimes no matter how much you wish that things won't change, sorry to disappoint you, it will. Everyone is changing as we are growing up and exposed to new things everyday. This is really hard for me to accept as well, because I really missed how things used to be instead of now. But what to do, life goes on and we have to move on. Everyone has their own life to cope with. Those joyful moments that we had, will be the memories I keep for my entire life. I will never forget, never. I just hope that our relationship as cousins won't fade until slowly become strangers because you guys are like my far away siblings. I love you all, forget me not. 

Last but not least, the angpaus. :D

ANG AH! HUAT AH! ONG AH!

My aunties know me well. They said purple colour is my registered trademark. HAHAHAHAHA!!

These are all the angpaus I have for now for this year's CNY. Thanks for all the good will my aunties, uncles and friend gave to me. I am truly blessed. 

So, what I only wish for this new year is may all the changes are changed for the good. 

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrate it, have a blast one and spend more time with your family and loved ones. ;) 

Tata, xoxo. ❤️